Just Married!

Greetings marriage fans! As I was perusing comic books on eBay, I came across this little gem:


A romance series that began publication in the 1950's featuring gripping stories of newlyweds receiving the very first signs that they've made a horrific mistake. I bought this issue because I thought I might actually learn something valuable about marital relationships. Maybe not so much what happens if this guy decides to blow off the wife and hang out with "vulgar clod" Joe, I know full well what happens then. No, I was more interested in the little tagline in the upper right: "Does a man lose his self-resepect when he marries?" The quick answer is yes, but for a meager $8 bid, let's let the comic book be the judge! Here we go (click the images below for a larger, easier to read view):

Now a proper wife is kind of like the Chinese government. If she just keeps her man overworked and reading the right material, then he won't even notice that he doesn't have a silly thing like an independent will at all! Fishing trip? Not while those cabinets need sanding, citizen!



And whenever hubby starts to get wise to her ploys, it's time to smooth it over with a well-timed booty call. Our new bride is savvy enough to know that there isn't a problem on this planet that can't be solved with a vagina. And why not? Keep that up and sooner or later they'll have a baby and that will fix everything! Come to think of it, maybe there isn't a problem on this planet that can't be created with a vagina? Oh well, check out the unfortunate line break on the last panel!

"It's too bad that Mark detests cock-
tail parties!"

That's editing at its finest there!



But when things go wrong, it's time for her final ploy...the old pack the suitcase and call the bus depot. Things backfire when he goes "great, I'll grab my jacket and pipe and get the car started!". But she's not about to admit she's wrong! After all, in marriage nothing...and I mean nothing...is as important as being right all of the time!



So after all this setup...how are they going to resolve this? Are they headed for divorce? No, they never go there. This is the 1950's after all. Instead, they wrap it all up with a bow on the next page. A tight little 6 panel sequence where she realizes that she's completely wrong, he's completely right, and here's your suit, now let's make love. Now THIS is going to be pinned on the refrigerator as a flowchart for marital conflict resolution!




I loved it so much I went out and purchased another one. Now I know enough about 1959 to understand that when the husband comes home from work in his suit, briefcase, and wacky hat, his wife should be greeting him at the door in full makeup and evening attire ready to devote all of her attention to his every need. And that's AFTER she's spent the day doing all of the dishes, vacuuming and laundry so that she won't have to run those noisy machines and ruin his peace and quiet after a long day at the office. Instead, there she lounges with her back to the door chatting on the phone with her old boyfriends....just like today's modern Facebook housewives! Yeesh...what's next, is this guy going to have to cook his own pot roast for dinner?



But I guess these marital problems of the 50's pale in comparison to what starts happening in the 70's. I saw this cover on eBay (but alas did not purchase it). I can't even begin to guess what the hell is going on here...but it would be an awesome subject for a caption contest.




And to round it out, check out this page in the back of the first issue I posted from the 50's. Some Red-Scare religious propaganda! Now that's a sign of the times that speaks for itself. Especially that last panel. No Communist is going to keep us from heading to the Catholic high school dance and cupping our girlfriend's right breast! Let freedom ring!

[The Amazing Race] My Po-Po-Poker Face!

Just caught up with the first episodes of the new Amazing Race season. As always, the best part is meeting the teams and watching the early eliminations in the usual order:

1) People who don't read the clues
2) Teams whose weakest link feels the immediate need to "prove their worth"
3) Old people who are more or less sightseeing before they die

I did enjoy the new twist where one team gets immediately eliminated off of the starting line. I was happy to see that the team eliminated was the one I really didn't want to get to know...a pair of tattooed yoga instructors that looked like they were stuffed full of annoying comments and personality. Gone before they even got in a single yoga pose! They did put a great spin on their elimination though, saying that they "freed the other teams from the humiliation of being the first team eliminated". So thoughtful! They can lead my bayonette charge any day ;)

Yoga has prepared our bodies and minds for imminent failure!

After that, we caught a glimpse of a few standout teams:

The Globetrotters - "Flight Time" and "Big Easy" look to be odds on favorites and easily the most likeable team. They claim they're the best looking team to ever run the race. That may be true, but only until Kevin & I get there (code names "Spite Time" and "Big Greasy").

The Interracial Couple - She's a former Miss America and aspiring singer, and he's a white guy. He says that they're out to prove that an interracial couple can be successful in the race. I think he'd better not let her get a good look at "Flight Time" and "Big Easy"!

Mika & Canaan - The requisite Christian "purity" couple. I almost spit my beer all over the couch when Mika claimed that Canaan isn't interested in pursuing her for sex, and that he focuses on the other things in their relationship. I'm not sure anyone has told him that though...on their CBS website profile he listed his favorite activities to do with her as "writing songs and making out". To quote Lady GaGa, I believe someone is "bluffin' with her muffin'"!

Lance & Keri - Engaged couple from Boston that should hang around long enough to head to the printers and cancel the invitations. He just can't stop talking about how great he is. She's one of those unfortunate girls who's heard it so much she's actually started believing it (as she said in the intro interview, "he's so smaahht"). Oldest trick in the douchebag handbook, my dear.

Garrett & Jessica - The usual troubled couple trying to figure out if they should get engaged and using the race as a relationship litmus. My favorite moment was when she was losing control of herself while trying to herd ducks in a Vietnamese mud-field, and Garrett turns to the camera and says that Jessica's biggest problem is that "she can't handle it when things aren't going her way". In other words, she's a girl. *Sigh* Don't they know that the secret to a happy relationship is to spend as little time as possible interacting with each other? And when you do, it better be spent doing activities that are absolutely devoid of external stress? All you're ever going to figure out by spending 3 weeks racing around foreign countries is that you're wrong for each other. So very wrong. *Sniff* I'll miss these two!

Maria & Tiffany - Where to start with these ladies? How about with their hook. They're professional poker players, and supposedly two of the more successful current female players (from my research, that translates to 17th and 38th place respectively). According to the CBS website, Tiffany is known on the circuit by her male counterparts as "Hot Chips" (which I think narrowly beat out "Poker Tits"). She and Maria believe that their poker skills will translate well to the race. OK, I'll bite. So from what I've seen on ESPN, a poker player needs a few basic traits to succeed:

1) The ability to count - Maria & Tiffany were supposed to arrive at the first checkpoint in Japan with 20 tourists, but only brought 18. OK, moving on...

2) The ability to read people - Tiffany remarks in a cab that they can gain a great tactical advantage by flirting with the team of hot guys...who are hiding the fact that they're actually gay (better not let them get a good look at Cheyne!). OK, moving on...

3) A strategic mind - Maria & Tiffany decide to not reveal that they're wealthy poker celebrities, and instead tell everyone that they work at a Los Angeles homeless shelter in an attempt to make other teams feel more sympathy towards them. Their cover is blown within 15 minutes as they're made by a fellow passenger in the airport. OK, moving on...

4) Blind, dumb luck - As they hit the checkpoint mat dead last in Tokyo, Phil looks at them and says "the good news is that this is a non-elimination leg". Ah, now I'm beginning to see why these ladies have been so successful at poker!

Another great season is underway! And the Galoot is officially on board!

Super Bowl Ads

So Pittsburgh takes advantage of another fortuitous Super Bowl matchup. I'm just not that impressed by a run that includes home wins over an 8-8 pretender and a division opponent they ALWAYS beat, capped off by a super bowl win against a 9-7 team that they should have easily handled but almost found a way to lose to. Congratulations Steeler fans! Nflshop.com has stocked up on plenty of XXXL Super Bowl Champs merchandise, so you can show your hometown pride off in whatever city you've had to relocate to to find employment.

But enough about football...now on to the best part! Critiquing the ads!



Best Ads

1. Bud Light: Me and my entire family laughed at the one where the guy gets thrown from a meeting out of the top story window for suggesting that Bud Light be cut from the budget. Well-executed slapstick. The Conan O'Brien Swedish "Party Starter" ad was hilarious too. If I didn't already know that Bud Light tastes like bottled Clydesdale piss, I'd be tempted to try it and see what "drinkability" is all about.

2. Cash 4 Gold: Ed McMahon and MC Hammer hocking their bling for cash. Hammer's gold medallion of himself wearing a gold medallion. Ed mournfully patting his golden toilet, "farewell old friend". Wonderfully executed back-and-forth. So much fun it almost makes you forget they're only going to pay you 25% of market value for all that gold.

3. Star Trek: OK, so I don't think that regular old movie trailers should qualify as creative Super Bowl ads, but I almost wet my pants with excitement when this I saw this one.

4. Hulu: The whole "Alec Baldwin as mastermind of an alien plot to use a constant stream of television to reduce our brains to mush so they could be scooped out with a melonballer and eaten" thing was truly inspired madness. Hosting super bowl ads on Hulu so The Big Galoot can rewatch them at work is a slam dunk too.

5. Teleflora: I had no idea that sending boxed flowers meant that you thought someone was worthless! Most everyone I've sent them to seemed to enjoy getting them. Still, the part where the flowers tell the girl "nobody wants to see you naked" and the nerd in the next cubicle goes "I'd like to see you..." and she cuts him off is golden.

6. State Farm: OK, not offically aired DURING the Super Bowl, but it was close and I'm running out of good ones. The "Feeling Kinda' Sunday" one where LeBron James dreams of signing with the Cleveland Browns was a good one. LeBron in an NFL uniform! He jumps four feet off the ground to reject an extra point! Then jumps from the 5 yard line and dunks the ball through the goal posts! Two problems here. One, the entire town of Cleveland is about to be unceremoniously dumped by LeBron. Two, the NFL is really rubbing it in that the NBA's best player would give it all up to play for even the most backwards franchise in the NFL. Not since Michael Jordan decided to try his hand at striking out in the White Sox farm system for a few years has there been a black eye this big for the NBA. But I guess Santonio Holmes paid the NBA back by doing the whole LeBron tossing the chalk in the air routine after that big TD catch.

7. Denny's: Various ads showing tough guys eating pancakes with gummi bears, blue sauce, funny faces, and mountains of whipped cream, and then the tagline "Isn't it time for a serious breakfast?" 100% truth in advertising here...for I have been to the IHOP, and it is complete insanity. Plus, Dennys is giving away a free Grand Slam breakfast on Tuesday morning! If I knew where a Denny's was, I'd be in business!

Worst Ads

1. Doritos: At this point, these guys are just mailing it in. How many ways can you work female underwear into an ad for snack chips? Wait, I know! This guy crunches a chip and then some hot girl's clothes fly off! That's genius! Take a lesson from Cheetos boys...the one where the girl throws some cheetos on the ground to initiate a pigeon attack on the annoying bimbo next to her was clever. For my saturated fat grams, Cheetos rule!

2. Sobe: I didn't get the whole "Lizard Lake" thing. I didn't recognize whoever the guys were in the white spandex, and I got the feeling that a big part of the joke was based on that. Plus, they ran it in 3-D (for an audience that had no idea it was supposed to have obtained 3-D glasses somewhere) and added Monsters vs. Aliens characters in a befuddled mess of cross-promotion. As for Sobe, does slick "cool guy" packaging and hip-hop branding make me want to drink overpriced high-calorie fruit punch? Nice try.

3. Hyundai: Lexus and BMW execs are screaming in the boardroom in Japanese and German because Hyundai wins the "2009 North American Car of the Year" award. This country doesn't make anything anymore. Except for crappy Super Bowl ads.

4. GoDaddy.com: When, oh when will these guys be out of business? How does Danica Patrick sleep at night?

5. E-Trade: Talking baby wasn't funny the first time. You're now officially heading down the Geico Caveman route.

6. Bridgestone: The Mrs. Potato head losing her mouth and putting in her "angry eyes" thing felt like a swipe from "Toy Story". But as any man who lives in a house full of girls will tell you, we've all had the "removable mouth" fantasy. And we've also seen plenty of the "angry eyes" ;)

7. NFL Network: The "season never ends" where Darren McFadden keeps running past the draft and training camp and the preaseason on his way to next year's opening day. They forgot to include him running into the training room for two months after he sprains his big toe in week 3.

8. Escape from Witch Mountain: Disney attempting to answer the burning question on everyone's mind...who has less acting ability, The Rock or two 12 year old kids they found in a ColdStone last summer?

Beautiful Talking Heads

So, the Miss America pageant came and went unbeknownst to most of us DVR-types that have abandoned live television for good. Although I'm sure not many people caught it at all...beauty pageants are typically a waste of time, except for the fact that you sometimes get to see pretty girls make whacky faces like this when they find out they're slightly prettier than the all the other pretty girls:


Check out this year's winner...standing next to Mario Lopez (last seen in "Saved By the Bell" 20 years ago...and I think maybe he was on that dancing stars show).


She's going to use her winnings and status as Miss America to become a television news anchor...her choice of the pre-approved princess careers that she is to pursue (in between the press conferences to explain away all those pesky drunken topless cell phone photo shoots at the local bars that show up on Facebook).

What is so great about the whole setup is that one of our society's greatest double standards (beauty pageants) is directly feeding another (television news anchorettes). Consider exhibit A. During the recent financial meltdown, I found myself actually figuring out what channel CNBC is on and watching some of it to try to get a better understanding of exactly why my 401K is going to make me little more than a future "Dollar Menunaire". One thing I couldn't help but notice was the striking physical difference between the male anchors and the female anchors. Here's a sampling of the women:


And here are the men:


Is business and finance beyond the grasp of all but homecoming queens in Ann Taylor blazers? Apparently no such stipulation holds true for the men!

And the news desks for the local TV stations are even more formulaic in what they do. Here's the rough outline for just about any channel:

Beautiful-talking-head: "Good evening, this is Beautiful-talking-head welcoming you to channel 10 news. Our top story tonight...two children have been shot in neighborhood-whites-won't-enter. We take you live to frozen-or-wet-hispanic-field-reporter reporting live on the scene from neighborhood-whites-won't-enter."

Frozen-or-wet-hispanic-field-reporter: "We're told by the police that this is a case where stray bullets from a drive by shooting hit this house behind me and struck two elementary school children while they were watching cartoons. The children were rushed to a local emergency room and are in stable condition tonight. The police indicated that there has been a recent sharp increase in violence here in neighborhood-whites-won't-enter, which I'm assuming is why I was sent here instead of any beautiful-talking-heads. This is frozen-or-wet-hispanic-field-reporter, reporting live for channel 10 news. Back to you."

Beautiful-talking-head: "And now for a look at sports, here's Blonde-with-distractingly-white-teeth."

Oh well, if she never accomplishes anything in life, she'll be at least as successful as Mario Lopez.

Separation of Hollywood and State

In light of the recent news of Oprah Winfrey being seriously considered as a candidate/bidder for Obama's senate seat, and this amusing photo series of the marketing event that the inauguration was turned into (apparently so important that it caused A-list celebrities to emerge from their oxygen bars long enough to be seen in D.C. for a day):

http://music.msn.com/galleryfeature/inauguration-celebration/?photoidx=1

I'm thinking we may need a Constitutional amendment providing for the separation of Hollywood and State before these showbiz political aspirations get out of hand and Ashton Kutcher gets appointed as Secretary of Anything.

Demi Moore waits patiently for Ashton Kutcher
to attempt to string a sentence together...

On the flip side, I'm glad for any occasion that will put Shakira in pair of leather pants. And I am also grateful that it kept the entertainment industry from producing any more crappy music and movies for a few days. I am looking forward to their increased taxes funding my tax cut and various other stimulus programs/bailouts. Patriots all!

Happy Mother's Day!

In the epic tradition of these dream husbands:


Check out this year's Mother's Day gift:


Complete with pink bow (a la Lexus' "December to Remember") that I couldn't seem to stop myself from adding to the top. It even has an electric starter so I don't have to get out of the hammock to start it up for her! And lest you think me heartless, I didn't make her mow the grass on Mother's Day. It was raining much too hard ;)

Rage of Love

Reality dating shows are fraudulent and a complete waste of time. The women will prattle on about finding "the one", but are invariably fighting harder for airtime than they are for the attentions of the loser in question. The men are all on an amazing journey...into the pants of a very special someone whom they will have lost interest in by the time the finale airs. So why do I keep watching when I know I'm being had? I don't know. Guess I need something to pair with my evening Pinot Noir and goat cheese & sun dried tomato crostinis. So fuck off!

The latest social experiment from NBC is called "Age of Love". The central premise of the show is to line up a group of women in their 40's (dubbed "the cougars") and turn a 30 year old guy loose amongst them. We're looking for the answer to the question "When it comes to love, does age really matter?" Of course, these are no ordinary 40 year olds. NBC has scoured the country to find seven women who have been engineered to appear at least 10 years younger than you'd think they are. The centerpiece is a 48 year old who looks like she was hermetically sealed in a bag of oxygen when she was 26. Unbelievable. So the question we're really after is "When it comes to love, does a woman's age really matter if she's hot?"

To sweeten the pot, the bachelor they've chosen is billed as a 30 year old "tennis star"...whom you've never heard of (Mark Phili-something or other). Of course, the girls took his "stardom" at face value, because really...who knows anything about tennis? I couldn't name you a single male tennis player except for maybe Ivan Lendl (and you can't make a dating show with him because even in his prime he looked like the zombie of a dead German WWII officer). Being the curious type, I Googled the guy and found out he's all washed up. Played his best tennis 7 years ago, reaching the finals of two majors, but losing them both to far less attractive opponents. Now he's regularly getting bounced in the first two rounds. He's dated some hot girls though, and (in a horrible fit of age-irony) was recently engaged to an 18 year old who's better looking than everyone on the show. She broke it off last summer though...I guess she finally got around to Googling him too.

Mark Phili-whatsit and the ex-fiance

At the introduction, the women are trotted out in order by their age, youngest to oldest. As each approaches him, they give him their name, profession, and age in businesslike fashion, and he is increasingly stunned as they come out. 39, 40, 40, 40, 42, 46, 48. All in impeccable shape. One is a VP of a commercial real estate company, but most have hobbies masquerading as careers (photography, makeup artist) or are working the same jobs they worked in their 20's (legal secretary, executive assistant, and one even lists "freelance" as an occupation). Of note, one is a former Oakland Raiderette, but at the wrong camera angles, she looks like she might be pretty close to pouring coffee and smoking three packs a day at a Daytona Beach IHOP.

Freshen up your coffee, pumpkin?

Another interesting background tidbit from the cougars is the aforementioned well-preserved 48 year old. Her profession is listed as the 17 year "Executive Assistant to the owner of the Los Angeles Lakers". Hmmm...could she have been holding herself together over the years with some Magic Johnson hush-money?

The cougars get one round of dates with Mark before the next twist arrives. At what everyone thought was an elimination round by the pool, a curtain drops and a pack of freshly-picked girls in their 20's are revealed (dubbed "the kittens")! They send each bikini-clad girl out in what I first thought was cup size order, but it turns out they were coming out oldest to youngest. One thing you can observe only in this type of parade is that breast augementation technology has been in serious decline over the years. The boob jobs got so ridiculous that by the time they got to the 23 year old, the left one was literally bouncing sideways and the right one didn't even move at all! Do they just start throwing in whatever they've got laying around the operating room? Like a softball in one side and a Mr. Potato Head in the other? Who knows, but the younger they got, the bigger Mark's smile became and the more the cougars were fretting on the sidelines.

Back in their separate rooms (where the producers have left a set of hula hoops in the still-bikini-clad kittens' suite while the cougars are working a stack of crossword puzzles and needlepoint), the cougars and kittens are each doing some serious meowing about the others. The greatest moment is when the 46 year old VP joins into the bashing by blurting out "Maybe Mark can't handle confident career women who make over $250,000 a year". You could have carved up the stunned silence in that room and served it with cranberry sauce. Meanwhile, the kittens are making menopause jokes and other uncreative nonsense. Thoroughly uninteresting except for two girls. 25 year old Amanda, who looks like an elf archer from Warcraft III. A complete hottie with pointy ears and eyebrows...she's got a pretty smile for Mark, but a full quiver of "drop dead, bitch!" looks to shoot at all of the other girls.

For Rivendell!

The other fave is 24 year old Mary...a weepy insecure girl with frizzy hair as wild and tangled as her emotional state. In line with the show's "all else being equal" premise, the kittens have basically the same occupations as the cougars (executive assistant, lighting consultant, student, photographer). Oh well, I guess it's good to know that America's executives aren't wandering around unassisted!

As the show progresses, Mark sends off one girl from each age group weekly. The girls jockey for one-on-one time, not realizing the pattern of elimination-after-individual-date that Mark is clearly laying down. With the cougars, he picks off the obvious messy relationship histories as they come into the light. Kids, too many exes, etc. With the kittens, he kisses them and then boots them if they're not into it (what he terms "holding back" or "not being open"). The dates are as painful as they are clever. In one instance, they placed the elf and the Raiderette on opposite ends of a restaurant and made Mark run back and forth between the two for dinner. He had an hour to split with each girl as he saw fit, but When that time was up the girl he was sitting with would get "bonus dessert time with Mark". Bonus dessert time? Wonder if that'll work on a night out with a spouse? "Honey, this conversation had better get a lot more interesting or I won't be sharing any bonus dessert time with you..." Hmmm...might end up picking bread pudding out of my nose for a week, but it could be worth it ;)

Sadly, at the eliminations, the cougars all address the fact that "time is running out" for them. Time's running out? For what exactly? Maybe their days of banging 20 year old waiters from the Outback are over (or then again, maybe not?). But there was a woman in the news recently who just had a baby at 63, so it would seem that they could finish up a few more needlepoint projects and still have plenty of time to nab a husband and drop in a couple of kids.

Regardless, I'm guessing that in the end the age really will matter. Why? Because Mark knows that in 20 years, the kittens will be the cougars, and the cougars will be...even more cougary. It's a crappy system, but at least it's televised for all to understand.

Amazing Race All-Stars Finale (or "Everything's better with Midgets")

It should come as no surprise that Eric & Danielle "secretly" broke up in the middle of the race on their way to winning it. My body language experts tell me that this is the exact moment where it happened...the one where Danielle wants to spend their race money on a cappucino and Eric questions the wisdom of that move with $1 million at stake using every ounce of his smarmy "how can you be that stupid?" demeanor that women just can't get enough of. The only thing missing from this scene is a marriage counselor facing them in a recliner sipping on a cappucino:


Eric then spends the rest of the race trying to figure out how to work his way into that "Beauty Queen Sandwich" that was being applied to Mirna, but will likely have to settle for Jeremy...who seemed a little too excited that Eric had won half a million dollars. "We're rich" indeed ;) Will somebody please get those two a Chihuahua?

But Eric & Danielle's issues weren't the reason that Amazing Race All-Stars was so great. And no, it wasn't laughing in the face of yet another failed attempt by the beauty queens to prove that they can accomplish anything as long as they're dressed exactly alike. Or even hating on Rob & Amber, the Detroit Pistons of reality television. The true genius of the show is that they realize what every great entertainer since P.T. Barnum has understood. Midgets doing anything is worth watching. Here's just a sample of the few things you can improve with the presence of a few judiciously placed little people:

Car Shows:


Airplane Pulls:
Costume Parties:

And, of course, Million Dollar Races Around the Globe:

Ah, Amazing Race....my nielsen rating is yours forever ;)

The PCD Handbook of Sexy

After digesting 3 consecutive hours of Pussycat Dolls, I have to confess that I have no Earthly idea what it takes to be a Pussycat Doll. But that's OK because neither does Robin Antin. Of the final nine, we were left with one that can sing but can't dance, three that can dance but can't sing, a professional reality show auditioner who's rapidly running out of time, two "Scary Spice" clones, a Single Mom/Knicks City Dancer, and Sisely. Now that Robin is forced to pick from this ragtag collection of finalists, I'm guessing that she knows what I already know...it doesn't really matter who you pick because there are already six other dolls to hide her behind. Still, it is a competition with 7 hour-long episodes to fill so you do need to make up a criteria of some kind. She's chosen to fill it with a weekly theme outlining a particular trait "important" to becoming a Pussycat Doll. Interested? Me too...

PCD "Must Have" #1 - Confidence!

In order to be a Pussycat Doll, you need confidence. And in PCD world feminine confidence is built through public displays of semi-nude sexiness. These involve a pole, underwear, and suggestive gyrating motions. You'd think that a 20 year old go-go dancer from Virginia Beach (Brittany) would run away with this, but there's a catch. Yes, you are in your underwear behind plate glass doing a pole dance, but if you turn your ass too many degrees at the wrong angle, you just end up looking like a ham-and-egg stripper...and that's NOT what the Pussycat Dolls are all about. Confused? Join the club. Anyway, this puts Brittany squarely behind the 8-ball because all of her stripper training is now working against her, and she is forced to hang up her boa for her tremendous lack of confidence at the first elimination (or maybe it was because she sounds like a squirrel getting sent through a woodchipper when she sings? I can't remember now...).

Brittany adjusts her confidence prior to her final performance

PCD "Must Have" #2 - Persona!

All good Pussycats bring a unique look and personality to the collective...provided that it's appropriately sexy. And Robin knows that nothing manufactures female uniqueness faster than a good $750 makeover and a t-shirt with a sassy phrase on it! After the pretty girls get turned into different looking pretty girls, we get treated to two uniquely horrific renditions of hit songs. But the elimination round showed just how important it is not to look like other girls. Sisely, who skated by her "Pon De Replay" disaster the previous week on the "not my song type" excuse was tossed a Pat Benatar song that everyone thought she'd HAVE to knock out of the park (seeing as how she works hard at channeling Benatar and it might work if she didn't already look more like the love child of Kirsten Dunst and Kim Jong Il). She booted the song, and STILL made it to the next round simply because she doesn't look like all the other girls. For some reason Robin is desperately clinging to the silly notion that the PCD franchise transcends a physical stereotype. Pretty lofty goals for someone breaking the same ground trampled to death by the Spice Girls 10 years ago.

PCD "Must Have" #3 - Creativity!

Now, the only creativity I can see associated with this show is how Sugar Ray keeps finding new ways to introduce Li'l Kim like she's accomplished something and we're supposed to know who the hell she is (this week's was "One of the most successful female musical performers in history..." huh?). As defined by PCD's Carmit and Ashley, creativity means finding new ways to inject sexiness into everything you do. Carmit insists that you should utilize all the abilities culled from your lifetime of experiences towards this endeavor...kind of like how she uses her competitive gymnastics skills to stretch her legs farther over her head than we could ever have dreamed possible from a music video.

Scary Spice clone #2 invents a clever new way to express herself

Ashley (dubbed "the bombshell of the group" by Robin making her a true bimbo's bimbo) proceeds to inform the girls that "Inside every woman is a Pussycat Doll" trying to scratch her way out. Really? That gives me an interesting field experiment to try in church next week! Who knew?

And after all this, I still can't seem to grasp what it is that they're after, but I know it needs to be sexy because I lost track of how many times they used that word in a single show after it went into the hundreds. However, I AM positive that I wouldn't be taking pointers on
how to look sexy from a woman who has botoxed her face into a contorted permanent grin like the Joker. In the meantime...keep popping those booties girls! It would seem our mutual moment of enlightenment is coming soon enough.

Your friend,

The Big Galoot

Ode to an Aging Princess

Know what I love about Amazon.com almost as much as the user reviews? It's the recommendation lists like these:

Let me preface this by saying I laughed throughout the entire list, and am now a dyed-in-the-wool certified fan...if there were a way for me to anonymously buy an item from the list and have it shipped to the "Outta Banksta", I would have done it. I could also fetch my charcoals and draw you a dead-on picture of this middle-aged-Outer-Banks-obsessed princess because Leesburg is literally filled to the Targets with them. You know the type, big "OBX" sticker on the back of the suburban, kinda sorta in shape and keeps trying to dress like a hip teenager for her day of shopping, kickboxing, and shuffling kids around between her 9:30 AM and 3:30 PM no-whip mochas. She'll follow a trend to the ends of the Earth, she will.

What appeals to this special type of lady? Apparently soap, hurricane literature, timekilling electronic distractions, and hideous wall art. All of the items on the list are cookie cutter trendy, with the exception of the Prada women's handbag which is quite fabulous IMHO. Let's review some of the items together:

1) TomTom GO 700 Portable GPS Navigation with Hands-Free Calling

Outta Banksta says:
	"sometimes prince charming doesn't take vacation days to go along for the ride!"

The Big Galoot says:
"might also come in handy when he gets tired of working like a dog to foot the bill and you need to locate him for future alimony payments!"

2) O, The Oprah Magazine [1-year subscription]

Outta Banksta says:
	"two words: FAVORITE THINGS. Like a private princess wish list"

The Big Galoot says:
"ah, the stay-at-home Bible. Even a princess has to take orders from somebody"

3) MARRIKAS 1000TC Cotton Duvet Cover Set KING-White

Outta Banksta says:
	"a princess's bed should be luxurious"

The Big Galoot says:
"I agree, but you're still sleeping on the wet spot your majesty"

4) (A 3-fer) Pre de provence Gift Box with nine 25g Assorted Soaps, Breakfast Soaps, Lavender and Spearmint Shea Butter Soap

Outta Banksta says:
	"a pampered princess is a happy princess"

The Big Galoot says:
"perhaps this is why I can never find a f*cking bar of soap at the Target"

But I kid because I love...if I ever find myself in the Outer Banks again, rest assured I'll keep a sharp lookout for the Jeep with the ridiculous headlight guards on it and smile knowing that there's a bona-fide princess inside ;)

Loosen Up My Buttons...

If you're like me (and thank God you're not), you're hating American Idol this year. I mean come on, the best singer in the bunch looks like Randy Jackson in a wig.

Yikes! Looks like someone just escaped from the "Dog Pound"

Is this really the face I want to see staring at me from my CD covers? Well, OK. There's a zero percent chance I'll ever buy a CD from American Idol, but is this the face I want staring at me from the new releases section in the Best Buy? Hmmm...if only there were some way you could take the voices of a few background singers and stuff them into a pack of low-rent strippers. Ah, but there is! They're called the Pussycat Dolls, and they're searching for fresh Pussycats on the CW with 33 million American households none the wiser.

But there is one American who watched it...Kevin. He's so new to blogging that we don't have an official handle for him yet...so feel free to send me your recommendations. And now, without further ado...

The first episode of "Pussycat Dolls Present: The Search for the Next Doll" runs an entire hour, but manages to completely avoid the central question "why do they need another Doll?" Is 6 not enough? Well, if you look closely, some of them do look a bit tired... No clues given yet, but my guess is that one of them is pregnant (Tommy Lee? David Beckham? Hugh Grant?), and just wants to settle down to a simple life in the country... or not. Look forward to the big reveal and hazing ritual in the last episode, where the final task is to rip out the throat of an existing Doll in a full contact, martial arts cage match (with Jell-O?). Oops, sorry, was channeling Blood Sport there for a second.

So, where to begin. Oh yes, nausea. No, not the stomach virus that swept through the contestant line-up, but the eight endless minutes of the final 18 girls, culled from "about 10,000", waxing poetic about how inspirational the Pussycat Dolls have been in their lives. This would be the same group who's debut album first hit stores in September of 2005. The same group that started life out by erotic dancing at the Viper Den in LA. The same group that had it's first big hit titled "Stickwitu". Yeah, that group. Anyway, the girls have "always dreamed" of being part of such an inspiring group, and some "have lots of talent and are looking forward to sharing it". Okay then.

So, given all that massive talent, you might be surprised to learn that some of the final 18 freely admit that "I'm not a dancer" or are hoping "my dancing will get me through while I learn to sing". Hmmm. Good luck with that. Question: were these the best 18, or is this like American Idol, where some of the no-talent "leaks" through just to fuel the angst? Throughout the episode, we learn that other girls have more practical concerns, like whether they can sing and dance after staying up all night, hold down a meal, or wonder if they look too much like the other girls (my personal favorite). Skin color too similar? No problemo - do we have enough time to hit the tanning bed? You'll be relieved to know that at least one of the "too much alike" problems is resolved by judicious use of a simple hair curler. Just like female MacGyver's, they are.

"Try picking this girl out of a crowded New Jersey rest stop...good luck!" (TBG)

Time for some stats (no, not those stats). Props to the producers for having girls ranging in age from 18 all the way up to 27. Guess who gets cut? I don't want to ruin it for you, but the oldest, and most of the very youngest don't make it. Shocking. But no more shocking than the 30 second segment devoted to one girl's belching contest in the hotel rooms. Yeah, she was cut. In this show, pictures of you on the 'net in compromising poses are simply street cred, but belching the loudest? That's just not Doll-like ;-) Interestingly, this is the same gal who has trouble standing up during dance practice, only to find out later that she has.... a virus!! You should've seen the other girls run away. You could see their skin crawling even on my old low-def TV. Too bad they couldn't run fast enough. About half of them came down with the stomach flu anyway. Much was made of the girls stamina in the face of this crippling illness, and some extra camera time given to the graybeard (so to speak) of the bunch, Sisely, who at age 25 knows how to extol on the virtues of a full night's sleep.

There was some interesting insight given about the music business, with the first lesson delivered in the person of Robin Antin, the "creator" of the Pussycat Dolls. Much like the creation of the Power Puff Girls, I suspect "chemical X" was somehow involved, but the upshot is that Robin's other ingredients were "the best silicone in the valley", a blazingly gay dance choreographer, a voice coach, some sound engineers, the president of Geffen records, and lastly, and certainly least important, a singer. As a side note, never play poker with that voice coach. That guy is amazing. He looks serene, even when listening to a chorus of stepped on cats. Or maybe he's deaf. If so, your secret's safe with me, dude.

I have to admit, given the plastic appeal and artificial creation of the group, I was a bit surprised to find out that each of the Dolls has a name. Sure, they sound like they're straight from Austin Powers, but they are names. Think I'm joking? Try these out... Carmit Bachar, Jessica Sutta, Nicole Scherzinger. Speaking of Nicole, the lead singer, the most riveting scene of the show is when Nicole sits in to judge the first performance, and then blurts out "I love Sisely". Nicole luuuvs Sisely. No, really. When she said it, there was this look of greedy anticipation, like she's sizing up dessert, followed by an awkward silence. She must have realized that everyone was staring, because she then felt compelled to add "Well, you know what I mean." Yes Nicole, yes I do. We all know what you mean. I think we just found the next Doll...

So then there was some dancing, puking, singing, and judging. And just like that, we're down to 9 girls, who will now be moving in together to synchronize their monthly cycles, and also, to learn what it takes to be a Pussycat. I can hardly wait.

Final thought: I now officially hate the song line "Don't you wish your girlfriend was hot like me". They played it during scene cuts about 15 times. Ugh. Cue up the hot dancers, hit the mute button, and roll the credits!

Valentine's Greetings (Introducing the "Hugh-gasm")!

I went to see "Music & Lyrics" over the weekend, and I had something of an epiphany. What was I doing at yet another Hugh Grant movie you ask? Well, the wifey won free movie passes at a neighborhood bunko match for getting the most smileys (huh?), so my cries for "Ghost Rider" fell on deaf ears. I had a hard time making a case for it anyway seeing as how I don't like/understand Ghost Rider or Nicholas Cage. So, after getting suitably beered up at the Sweetwater Tavern, it was an evening of lighthearted romantic comedy.

The scripts for these things reads somewhat like a game of Mad Libs after you've seen enough of them. I'm sure I was annoying everyone in earshot as I called out what would happen next. Goes a little something like this:

A rich, famous, or formerly rich and famous man is handsome charmer with unlimited patience and free time. He is surprisingly unmarried, and does not have a girlfriend or any tendency to sleep around. He meets a girl who is loaded with personality problems disguised as quirkiness (and also unmarried...natch), and either currently dating a cad or has been emotionally devastated by one. In a city (pick one) with 4-11 million people in it, they inexplicably run into each other at every restaurant and park bench until he becomes spellbound to distraction by her oddity and/or confidence at every perfectly scripted 3 minute verbal exchange. As they approach the moment of commitment, he slips ever so briefly into a random solitary moment of cad-ishness himself, setting the stage for the atonement. A moment of spectacular emotional fireworks where he prepares some kind of impossibly coordinated scenario for the sole purpose of begging for forgiveness and professing his eternal love (preferably in front of a crowd of 20,000 in a sports arena of some kind). A moment I've dubbed the "Hugh-gasm". Roll credits.

What is the epiphany, you ask? As I glanced at the couples around me, at the red-eyed women giving themselves cat-baths as their husbands were busily brushing popcorn off of their beer guts (including yours truly ;) ), I realized what I was watching. It's pornography for housewives. Hugh Grant is their Jenna Jameson, with his puppydog expressions (physics-defying eyebrows that somehow bend toward the ceiling at near 90 degree angles) and bumbly-stumbly British accent that perfectly delivers Hershey-Kiss dialogue into the camera and makes it feel like he's actually wooing you. Surely we could all marry the lonely and super-hot Prime Minister of Britain if we just hung around in the right coffee-shops. Just like we could all encounter a super-hot 20 year old female mechanic who loves to perform fellatio on complete strangers at the local Midas.

The payoff at the end was when I was asked on the ride home why in the world Hugh Grant would need to go soliciting prostitutes when he could have any woman he wants and was with Elizabeth Hurley at the time. Ah, but that's the lie Hollywood sells you! Real-life Hugh Grant doesn't want a misunderstood shopaholic to snuggle his days away with. He wants a $20 blow job in a taxi from a Vietnamese girl he'll never lay eyes on again. Smashing!

BTW, I liked the movie very much...it pairs well with a box of Mike & Ike's and an 84 oz. Diet Coke. Go treat your Valentine ;)

Prince Charming, Where Art Thou?

I just saw a story this morning on "Good Morning America" where a New York City dating service has finally called a spade a spade and launched a dating event called "Natural Selection" designed to cut to the chase and exclusively pair up beautiful girls with rich guys. The entry criteria into the event? Guys under 25 need to make at least $200K, 26-30 at least $300K, over 30 at least $500K, or you can have $1M in assets or a $4M trust fund. Girls need to be hot, as judged by event organizers based on 5 photos. Here's a link to the story I dug up online:

http://abcnews.go.com/Business/FunMoney/story?id=2820318&page=1

Hilarious. I also like all of the angry feedback by "impoverished" men and "unattractive" women. But I am indeed inclined to call it "Natural Selection" if these people take each other off the market, however temporarily it may be. In fact, it started to remind me of a couple of old "Average Joe" posts I've done in the past. I've decided to repost them here for your enjoyment ;)

A recommendation for all of you "Average Joes"

If you're not watching "Average Joe 2: Hawaii", you're missing out on one of the greatest societal statements of our time. They take a bunch of nerds, and hold up the promise of a real hot girl in "Bachelorette" fashion. Once everyone gets comfortable, they send in a ship full of obnoxious and shirtless pretty boys. They degrade the nerds further by lining them up against the hunks in gym-class style competitions to win dates with the girl. It's just like high school, only with better editing.

What you will ultimately learn is that girls in their twenties still think they can have it all if they just look hard enough (movie star looks, brains, personality, material success). When they're in their 30's, they figure out that these things rarely go together...then all else is abandoned and it's all about the wallet (refer to the episode of "The Apprentice" where the winning team gets a tour of Trump's posh NY apartment and meets his girlfriend). All this, plus the girl is constantly in swimsuit poses that will make you scramble for the TiVo remote.

Averages Restored

Whew...for a minute there, I thought Melana (the star of "Average Joe") was going to actually stick by her "looks aren't everything" rhetoric and destroy the foundations of everything I'd learned about cheerleaders since high school. Luckily, she did exactly what she was supposed to do, and the balance of society was still intact.

"When Beautiful Melana Chose Vapid but Impeccably Groomed Jason over Good-Hearted but Tragically Average Adam, the Natural Order of the Universe was Once Again Restored"

Sure, Adam was a genuinely nice guy who made her laugh and showered her with gifts and attention that she desperately wants, but cannot get from the pretty boys and Zach-like a-holes she runs with. But you cannot ignore how perfectly matched Jason and Melana are...look how much they have in common! They both have parents that had their baby shoes bronzed, they're both extremely good-looking, they both are practically devoid of bodily hair, and neither one knows that checkers need to be on the same color squares. Plus, Jason is a self-admitted "poor decision maker" and Melana can't manage her money. That sounds like a great team to me, ready for all the challenges life will throw at them.

In the end, Melana had to follow her heart (which was located squarely in her pants) and chose accordingly. What was lost in the shuffle is the fact that there was really nothing interesting about her other than her looks. The only significant thing she's about is apparently (formerly) cheering for the Kansas City Chiefs, and now serves as the team's "Entertainment Announcer". Is that like "Attention! The Chiefs will be playing pinball at the Dave & Buster's on Tuesday from 1:00 - 3:00!" She didn't appear to be particularly funny, intelligent, or a good conversationalist (except when she was busting someone's balls over dinner). But she sure was pretty. And in fantastic shape. I'm sure she smelled nice, too.

Her new beau wants to be a weatherman, which is fitting, since all he has to talk about is the weather. You know it's a bad sign when you have to start talking about how amazing your date is...while the date's still occuring. That's like admitting you've exhausted all topics, but are too physically attracted to be merciful and let it end. In the end all that happened was that two bland pieces of eye-candy took each other off the market for about three months, with no great loss to society.

Yes Sir, Mr. Trump!

If you're not watching the Apprentice's Sixth Season (and according to the Nielsen ratings, you're not), you need to be. Trump's ego is completely raw and unhinged now, and the first five minutes of the premiere were simply golden. "I've got properties all over the place" he declares, as they give you a glimpse of his chauffered town car, private jet, golf course, and rolls royce as he picks his way across the country from New York to L.A. Then you get a nice shot of his new mansion and new Transylvanian fashion hottie wife and new baby (whom she's just borrowed from the nanny for five minutes so she can carry him out to Trump for a stiff kiss to the forehead). I took one look at that and thought "who in their right mind would want to work for this guy after watching this?"

http://www.nbc.com/Video/rewind/full_episodes/apprentice.shtml?show=apprentice01

Who indeed? Cue the cookie-cutter contestants! This year's edition features the requisite batch of meticulously groomed lawyers and loudmouthed kids who happened to luck out timing the dot com and real estate booms. They're all so alike that it was easy for Trump to pick out the final two within minutes of meeting them, which he telegraphed pretty hard...the Harvard Cum Laude Olympic hockey medalist (Trump does enjoy having a conversation piece around), and the white guy in the grey suit (pick one). From those two, he won't hire the hockey champion because she's a girl...and in Trump's world, girls have a singular purpose: looking great and disappearing by the time they're 40. See below:

But as you listen to these candidates talking about themselves in the beginning, you'd think they're pretty much taking over the world. Why on Earth do they need a job from Trump? True, some obviously just want the novelty of being on the show as a marketing tool. Prime example is Kristine, an attractive and polished 37 year old lawyer who's represented the likes of Shaquille O'Neal and is married to a "top 50" chef (whatever that means) who has 2 successful restaurants in L.A. In one carefully placed scene of episode 2, she comes wandering out of her bedroom wearing pink lingerie to take a call from Trump's secretary at 4 A.M. A little moment I've affectionately dubbed "the booty call":

Now when Kobe Bryant needs a lawyer, who do you think he's going to call? Clever girl. But I'm getting ahead of myself. Our first taste of the group dynamic is watching them trying to work together to put up a tent in business suits, and you figure out quickly why a good deal of the rest are here. It's because most are irritating, egotistical bootlickers with no real marketable skills other than what you can pick up online in 6 weeks from the University of Phoenix. The handful of 30-something lawyers are all laying back and letting the 20-something real estate entrepreneurs spontaneously combust before mid-game. Exhibit A is Frank, the initial task manager of the "Arrow" corporation. He's loud and obnoxious and completely unlikable, and in the first episode he's tasked with running a car wash. Now running a car wash is an enterprise that most high school cheerleading squads and boy scout troops can execute flawlessly, but these guys have to run all over the place devising "Marketing Strategies" and "Price Points" with cell phones a-blazin'. Um, can we just sit the two best looking people on a curb with a big sign and grab a bucket and a sponge and start making money? As task leader, Frank's first self-appointed assignment is for him to immediately run off with one other guy to the Kinko's 12 blocks away so he can print out signs on a stack of 8x11 copy paper...leaving the rest of the team without direction standing around looking at each other until one of them decides that they need to move on without him. He shows up like 30 minutes later with his flyers, that his team members wave at the passing cars but they cannot read because they're so small. Eventually, the team manages to compensate for Frank's bungling, but by then it's too late.

Heidi, the "Kinetic" corportation team leader and poor man's Sandra Bullock, seems to get things under control for her team by simply not overcomplicating the task. She's done that twice now, and it's been the key to both of Kinetic's underwhelming wins. She's dubbed "The Hottie" by the show's promos, but in this crew that's a little redundant. That fits my favorite metaphor of Hawkman being dubbed "The Flyer" in the Justice League. She'd better have another angle besides looks. Still, she seems to be able to lead without a lot of obvious theatrics, and that's enough to keep the other crew out in the tents where the task losers have to take up residence.

In the second show, the task gets even more ridiculous. The teams must design swimwear for a well-known swimsuit designer (who I've never heard of...and I'm sure none of you have either) to show to a bunch of prospective buyers. Whichever team's suits sell better wins the task. Each team designs 3 men's suits and 3 women's suits. Now, men's swimwear has to be the easiest thing to figure out since it's basically a pair of shorts. You have two decisions to make, color and length. And guys buy a swimsuit like once every 8 years from whatever store they happen to be in. It is not an event. And personally, I don't care how I look in it...the only thing that matters is that it has pockets for my ice cream money and I'm heading to the register. I'm willing to bet I probably represent roughly 95% of American men in this matter. So Arrow has a buff gay dude who just can't help himself. He basically commandeers the design process for one of the guys' suits and produces a pink and white flowery tropical pair of lycra hotpants (to the measured protests of his team) and demands that he model them himself on the runway as follows:

He calls it "taking a risk", and it is fun to watch Donald and Ivanka in the boardroom teaching him the difference between taking a risk and developing a product suitable for 0.1% of the market to model in front of buyers.

I'm applying next year...if nothing else, America needs me in a swimsuit! LOL!

Amazing Race 10 - Climbing The Ladder of Hotness

In honor of the dramatic rise to first place of the "Miss Whatevers", I have decided to answer the call for a more detailed explanation of what I've termed the "ladder of hotness"...the yardstick that pretty girls use to measure each other by and sort out their ranks like any good societal group does. It goes a little something like this (from lowest to highest rank):

Cheerleaders - This usually holds some kind of credibility that dissipates shortly after college graduation and completely vanishes by 30, when nobody cares anymore and it just sounds like desparate clutching at former beauty.

Strippers - Like the cheerleaders only without the interested parents.

NFL Cheerleaders - This title follows you around a little longer and may even land you on a lower-tier reality show, simply because the NFL brand has become synonymous with eliteness. The league has somehow transformed the cheerleading concept into the closest thing you can have to an outdoor strip club. I watched the "NFL Cheerleader Playoffs" on the NFL Network at the recommendation of one T. Gallagher. The best thing about it is how these girls have swallowed the simple tagline the NFL uses in order to get them to stand around all Sunday in their underwear for $50 a game. It's called "representing the organization", and you'll hear that line about a dozen times from each girl as they rollerskate an obstacle course in hotpants and a tube top. I'm sure the Chargers couldn't be prouder.

Beauty Pageant Contestants - More street cred than an NFL cheerleader, since there's only one per state. Stand one of these next to 49 others though, and they lose some of that shazam factor.

Model - This is where you're actually getting paid to be hot, which takes you to the next level.

Playboy Model - This usually carries more notoriety than a nameless fashion model. You become forever introduced as "former Playmate so-and-so" on Entertainment Tonight, but it also puts you on track to cap out as a B-list actress or a celebrity girlfriend.

Country Singer - You're hot, and have a visible talent. You make records, but nobody listens to them. Still...you're hot.

Supermodel - The general idea being that a supermodel has so much more to offer than a regular model. Although this seems to be farther and farther fetched every time the words "Supermodel Tyra Banks" comes out of somebody's mouth.

Pop Singer - Same as the country singer, only with a fan base. Also has a tendency to be more of a trainwreck in terms of personal life as your suitors tend to come from the Kevin Federline/Nick Lachey/Wilmer Valderrama bin.

Star of TV Show - Note: This is a sliding scale based on the popularity of the show. It also helps if you have ugly (or all male) co-stars, so you're not lost in a sea of beauty.

Movie Star - When an army of people dedicate their lives to photographing you on your way to pilates class, you know it's all about you.

Model/Movie Star/Pop Singer - The rare triple threat...looks, voice, and the ability to read lines without looking directly at the camera. But now, like Alexander, you must weep...for there are no more lands for you to conquer. Might as well just go get drunk 6 nights a week.

The Amazing Race 10 (10/15)

Poor David. I can't help but feel for the guy. He spends his days in a hole in the ground, only to emerge to Mary's endless screeching at the end of the day. I think I can see why he says he "loves his job" in his website bio. And why does he run the race? So he can give his family a better life. Super-size the fries, take the kids to Disney World on an airplane, get Mary's teeth brushed, you know...the works!

I hope they can stave off elimination even from their disadvantaged position, but I have a feeling that's going to be near impossible. Mary is an awful big anchor to be dragging around Asia...but these two are turning out to have pretty big hearts at the end of it all. They're looking like pretty decent people next to Peter, who might just get himself dumped before the race even ends by the looks of the dramatic slow-motioned silent head turn by Sarah at the Indian bus stop (the standard Amanzing Race body-language of complete disgust with your partner for 10 seasons running now).

What's on tap next? The Prom Queens vs. the Queen Latifahs...the yin/yang conflict everyone knew was coming! I'll lay my money now on the Alabama Slammers. To lose. I mean come on, Dustin & Kandice have been forged into fierce competitors by all those pageants, right? They aren't going to tape those breasts together unless they mean business!

With Edwin & Godwin left as the last team of "intellectuals" (brilliant move with that fake cell phone that got two other teams inspired to call ahead and land an earlier flight than them), this is looking like anyone can win it. The male model/junkies aren't looking dominant...and in fact, got a little more glassy-eyed than I would have liked reminiscing about their heroin shooting days. I'm thinking that Rob & Kimberly were amazingly low key in the last episode...a stark contrast from that hellacious boat-screaming they put on each other in Vietnam. They can't possibly keep themselves composed long enough to contend for the win...can they? Only the Tivo will tell...

Amazing Race 10 Episodes 1 & 2

Who to love most? Who to love most?

The Ivy league guys who look like Evan Wang on steroids? I did enjoy the moment where they couldn't remember that they're not Chinese...do they all start looking the same to themselves at some point too?

The gay boyfriends who are seen in the opening credits eating waffle cones from the Coldstone after a long day of window shopping? Is there anything better than their checkpoint dances?

The male models...this year's version being ex-junkies who were able to turn their lives around? Which I assume means stop smoking crack long enough to sit still and look fabulous while someone takes pictures? Oh well, at least they've got somebody to fill the requisite shirtless basketball game in the opening credits.

The "Miss-Whatevers" beauty contestants, who you can't tell apart without the sashes? They should definitely have worn them, because it would save them all the work they have to do reminding everyone that they were former Miss-USA contestants. The funniest thing about these two? They're telling us they're on the show to bust all the myths about beauty queens being just a pretty face. Is that like the team of Miss-USA contestants I just saw on "Treasure Hunters" that kept spewing that same mantra on every episode? Will someone please explain to me why being in a beauty pageant leads to such colossal esteem issues that you feel the need to constantly prove that you're more than a great pair of asscheeks? Never mind...now that I'm writing that down I don't think I really want to understand it after all...

The ballistic dating couple (Rob & Kimberly) who love their relationship 99.9% of the time? Is there anyone happier than me that we'll get to see that other 0.1% of their relationship in full display for the next few weeks? I had to rewind the tivo 3 times to watch Kimberly get clotheslined off of her horse in Mongolia (I verified that there was only one tree in the entire forest that was leaning over and she managed to guide her horse directly under it at ramming speed) and see Rob rushing to her rescue....Rob? Rob? Yeah, dude...that's her. The red jacket laying on the forest floor not moving. And if you want to understand why it looks like he's always a step behind in the race, take a look at his career: California real estate student! Way to stay in front of a trend, buddy...

The "Everyday Islams" who are just like you and me, except for the threatening looks and the constant "Allah this" and "Allah that"? Their shining moment came when they couldn't shake the cheerleaders' hands because Islam forbids touching a woman (unless you're kidnapping her, I suppose). But the best had to be they were notified of their unexpected elimination when the guy on the right gives Phil a look like he was already plotting his beheading video in his mind, but then snaps out of it and is all, "oh man, them's the breaks!"

The cheerleaders who are desperate to find a relevant use for cheerleading powers to win the Amazing Race? Super-cheerleader balance to help you do tai-chi? Leg lift practice to help you scale the Great Wall of China? But now that they're eliminated, they'll finally find a use for all of their "skills"...cheering all the other teams on to victory from the sidelines!

No, my favorite is Peter and Sarah, hands down. I love the fact that he's making her all kinds of robot legs and she's still all like, "I don't know if he's the guy for me". I also love the fact that she's a motiviational speaker, but at every challenge when things get rough, she has to go through a 30 minute routine of tears and "I can't do it" before she finally steps up. But mostly, as I watch her trying to run with that captain hook foot, I started wondering aloud (to the horror of everyone on the couch), "if he's making her legs, why didn't he go a little more Inspector Gadget with it?" You know, like hook up a Segue for rolling around Beijing, or a suction-cup leg for climbing the Great Wall of China.

But I kid because I love...she's accomplished more with one leg than I'll likely accomplish with two.

"Damn You Frat Boys!"

The rallying cry of the hippy!

I lost interest in Ray & Yolanda when I saw that she was simply going to turn the race into an internal battle for relationship respect. She'd been doing it for awhile, but I had figured she'd be past it by the final legs when the million dollars was at hand. Ah well, I did manage to pay them a final chuckle when he was pointing out that she didn't want sit in the back and read the map while he drives, and then when he lets her drive, she's not happy because she wants to read the map. As he figures out that she's simply going to find fault with whatever system they devise, he sums it up nicely with his "Driving Miss Crazy" remark...although a simple "Yes'm" would've done just fine.

With those two off the radar, I could only marvel at the amazing transformation taking place on the screen in front of me. The hippies and the poon hounds switched bodies somewhere in Japan. B.J. & Tyler begin playing deceitful mindgames on the hounds...then laughingly take the time to flirt with Japanese girls while the hounds watched on in disgust. The bravado and commentary began streaming out of their furry mouths at every turn while the dejected hounds clammed up under the enormously visible pressure they suddenly felt themselves under when they realized they weren't going to shake the hippies.

The ultimate payoff was when the poonies saw that the final challenge was coming down to a mental exercise, and that they were grossly overmatched by the college-educated hippies. The looks on their faces as they stepped on the mat in second place said it all...the realization that no matter how good-looking they are, there will always be someone far less attractive yet far more savvy than them around waiting to take money out of their pockets (and probably land girls like the Stinky Pinkies...once they figure out where the cash went, of course). Bad news fellas...you're guys. Looks are relatively meaningless. Just ask Jay-Z.

My apologies that this post is a little stale. I meant to get this out far sooner, but only watched it before taking off to Puerto Rico last week (training for a future Amazing Race?). In preparation for my inaugural visit to Latin America, I grew a killer mustache and learned how to ask three phrases in Spanish...well OK, two of these I picked up over a three year immersion period at the Fair Lakes Don Pablo's:

1) ¿Can I have more cheese in these quesadillas?
2) ¡That toilet won't flush anymore!
3) ¿How much for the lapdance?

Unfortunately I only got to use two of them. That, plus the fact that the most strenuous exercise I had last week was sliding from my pool chair into the water like a manatee has enabled me to add the final 5 pounds that has landed me in a three way "biggest loser" style competition between myself, Michelle, and our family cat. I'm the one in the red tank top and shorts with the hershey kiss wrappers stuck in the drawstrings.

The Amazing Race 9 - The Penultimate Post

After mourning the loss of Lake & Michelle for several weeks, I was delighted that Team MoJo stepped in and delivered as the token dysfunctional couple. Although sad to see them go, I must admit the payoff of their postrace interview was as delightful as an after-dinner mint.

"Stepping onto the mat in last place, dating couple Joseph & Monica received the bad news from Phil that they had been eliminated from the Race. Through her tears, Monica remarked on her partner, "What I really took away from all this is how much he supported me. Joseph really is my rock and I could not have gotten through this without him." Joseph added, "Monica being there right by my side helps me go on. We’re definitely going to get married one day and have a family." Monica ended by noting, "We have each other when we get home and we have this Race to look back on for the rest of our lives. It’s such a beautiful gift." "

Were these guys watching the same race I was? You know the one where Monica has a never ending supply of saltwater gushing out of her head, and Joseph is screaming at her as soon as the first tear rolls down her cheek? He was so busy being her "rock" at the yield that they completely missed the fact that the timer was out of sand…I'd love to have them over for an evening of Boggle sometime. The only thing that brought them together the end was the fact that BJ & Tyler took over as the target of Joseph's rage. Monica does have a point though, were it not for Joseph kicking her ass across the globe, she wouldn't have survived the first leg. I think the scene where she's standing in the middle of the Thai market tearfully holding a wood plank with only 2 pots left on it sums her up in a single image. Or maybe it was that one where she was standing in the Italian market tearfully holding a giant fish? Ah…forget it. I'll just burn a copy of those pink hot-shorts into my memory and be done with it.

It appears that the Poon Hounds are going to walk away with the million in anti-climactic fashion. Too bad, because the last thing those guys need is one million dollars to fund another 5 years of beach volleyball and skirt chasing. I loved watching them making plays at the other teams' girlfriends, simply because there was nobody left for them to work on. Trolling for booty is so programmed into the core of their beings, they simply don't know how to turn it off. It's like being stuck in a horrible Vince Vaughn movie full-time with no way out.

Ray & Yolanda, I'm rooting for you…I hope it matters, but I'm afraid it doesn't.