Yikes! Looks like someone just escaped from the "Dog Pound"
Is this really the face I want to see staring at me from my CD covers? Well, OK. There's a zero percent chance I'll ever buy a CD from American Idol, but is this the face I want staring at me from the new releases section in the Best Buy? Hmmm...if only there were some way you could take the voices of a few background singers and stuff them into a pack of low-rent strippers. Ah, but there is! They're called the Pussycat Dolls, and they're searching for fresh Pussycats on the CW with 33 million American households none the wiser.
But there is one American who watched it...Kevin. He's so new to blogging that we don't have an official handle for him yet...so feel free to send me your recommendations. And now, without further ado...
The first episode of "Pussycat Dolls Present: The Search for the Next Doll" runs an entire hour, but manages to completely avoid the central question "why do they need another Doll?" Is 6 not enough? Well, if you look closely, some of them do look a bit tired... No clues given yet, but my guess is that one of them is pregnant (Tommy Lee? David Beckham? Hugh Grant?), and just wants to settle down to a simple life in the country... or not. Look forward to the big reveal and hazing ritual in the last episode, where the final task is to rip out the throat of an existing Doll in a full contact, martial arts cage match (with Jell-O?). Oops, sorry, was channeling Blood Sport there for a second.
So, where to begin. Oh yes, nausea. No, not the stomach virus that swept through the contestant line-up, but the eight endless minutes of the final 18 girls, culled from "about 10,000", waxing poetic about how inspirational the Pussycat Dolls have been in their lives. This would be the same group who's debut album first hit stores in September of 2005. The same group that started life out by erotic dancing at the Viper Den in LA. The same group that had it's first big hit titled "Stickwitu". Yeah, that group. Anyway, the girls have "always dreamed" of being part of such an inspiring group, and some "have lots of talent and are looking forward to sharing it". Okay then.
So, given all that massive talent, you might be surprised to learn that some of the final 18 freely admit that "I'm not a dancer" or are hoping "my dancing will get me through while I learn to sing". Hmmm. Good luck with that. Question: were these the best 18, or is this like American Idol, where some of the no-talent "leaks" through just to fuel the angst? Throughout the episode, we learn that other girls have more practical concerns, like whether they can sing and dance after staying up all night, hold down a meal, or wonder if they look too much like the other girls (my personal favorite). Skin color too similar? No problemo - do we have enough time to hit the tanning bed? You'll be relieved to know that at least one of the "too much alike" problems is resolved by judicious use of a simple hair curler. Just like female MacGyver's, they are.
"Try picking this girl out of a crowded New Jersey rest stop...good luck!" (TBG)
Time for some stats (no, not those stats). Props to the producers for having girls ranging in age from 18 all the way up to 27. Guess who gets cut? I don't want to ruin it for you, but the oldest, and most of the very youngest don't make it. Shocking. But no more shocking than the 30 second segment devoted to one girl's belching contest in the hotel rooms. Yeah, she was cut. In this show, pictures of you on the 'net in compromising poses are simply street cred, but belching the loudest? That's just not Doll-like ;-) Interestingly, this is the same gal who has trouble standing up during dance practice, only to find out later that she has.... a virus!! You should've seen the other girls run away. You could see their skin crawling even on my old low-def TV. Too bad they couldn't run fast enough. About half of them came down with the stomach flu anyway. Much was made of the girls stamina in the face of this crippling illness, and some extra camera time given to the graybeard (so to speak) of the bunch, Sisely, who at age 25 knows how to extol on the virtues of a full night's sleep.
There was some interesting insight given about the music business, with the first lesson delivered in the person of Robin Antin, the "creator" of the Pussycat Dolls. Much like the creation of the Power Puff Girls, I suspect "chemical X" was somehow involved, but the upshot is that Robin's other ingredients were "the best silicone in the valley", a blazingly gay dance choreographer, a voice coach, some sound engineers, the president of Geffen records, and lastly, and certainly least important, a singer. As a side note, never play poker with that voice coach. That guy is amazing. He looks serene, even when listening to a chorus of stepped on cats. Or maybe he's deaf. If so, your secret's safe with me, dude.
I have to admit, given the plastic appeal and artificial creation of the group, I was a bit surprised to find out that each of the Dolls has a name. Sure, they sound like they're straight from Austin Powers, but they are names. Think I'm joking? Try these out... Carmit Bachar, Jessica Sutta, Nicole Scherzinger. Speaking of Nicole, the lead singer, the most riveting scene of the show is when Nicole sits in to judge the first performance, and then blurts out "I love Sisely". Nicole luuuvs Sisely. No, really. When she said it, there was this look of greedy anticipation, like she's sizing up dessert, followed by an awkward silence. She must have realized that everyone was staring, because she then felt compelled to add "Well, you know what I mean." Yes Nicole, yes I do. We all know what you mean. I think we just found the next Doll...
So then there was some dancing, puking, singing, and judging. And just like that, we're down to 9 girls, who will now be moving in together to synchronize their monthly cycles, and also, to learn what it takes to be a Pussycat. I can hardly wait.
Final thought: I now officially hate the song line "Don't you wish your girlfriend was hot like me". They played it during scene cuts about 15 times. Ugh. Cue up the hot dancers, hit the mute button, and roll the credits!
