PCD "Must Have" #1 - Confidence!
In order to be a Pussycat Doll, you need confidence. And in PCD world feminine confidence is built through public displays of semi-nude sexiness. These involve a pole, underwear, and suggestive gyrating motions. You'd think that a 20 year old go-go dancer from Virginia Beach (Brittany) would run away with this, but there's a catch. Yes, you are in your underwear behind plate glass doing a pole dance, but if you turn your ass too many degrees at the wrong angle, you just end up looking like a ham-and-egg stripper...and that's NOT what the Pussycat Dolls are all about. Confused? Join the club. Anyway, this puts Brittany squarely behind the 8-ball because all of her stripper training is now working against her, and she is forced to hang up her boa for her tremendous lack of confidence at the first elimination (or maybe it was because she sounds like a squirrel getting sent through a woodchipper when she sings? I can't remember now...).
Brittany adjusts her confidence prior to her final performance
PCD "Must Have" #2 - Persona!
All good Pussycats bring a unique look and personality to the collective...provided that it's appropriately sexy. And Robin knows that nothing manufactures female uniqueness faster than a good $750 makeover and a t-shirt with a sassy phrase on it! After the pretty girls get turned into different looking pretty girls, we get treated to two uniquely horrific renditions of hit songs. But the elimination round showed just how important it is not to look like other girls. Sisely, who skated by her "Pon De Replay" disaster the previous week on the "not my song type" excuse was tossed a Pat Benatar song that everyone thought she'd HAVE to knock out of the park (seeing as how she works hard at channeling Benatar and it might work if she didn't already look more like the love child of Kirsten Dunst and Kim Jong Il). She booted the song, and STILL made it to the next round simply because she doesn't look like all the other girls. For some reason Robin is desperately clinging to the silly notion that the PCD franchise transcends a physical stereotype. Pretty lofty goals for someone breaking the same ground trampled to death by the Spice Girls 10 years ago.
PCD "Must Have" #3 - Creativity!
Now, the only creativity I can see associated with this show is how Sugar Ray keeps finding new ways to introduce Li'l Kim like she's accomplished something and we're supposed to know who the hell she is (this week's was "One of the most successful female musical performers in history..." huh?). As defined by PCD's Carmit and Ashley, creativity means finding new ways to inject sexiness into everything you do. Carmit insists that you should utilize all the abilities culled from your lifetime of experiences towards this endeavor...kind of like how she uses her competitive gymnastics skills to stretch her legs farther over her head than we could ever have dreamed possible from a music video.
Scary Spice clone #2 invents a clever new way to express herself
Ashley (dubbed "the bombshell of the group" by Robin making her a true bimbo's bimbo) proceeds to inform the girls that "Inside every woman is a Pussycat Doll" trying to scratch her way out. Really? That gives me an interesting field experiment to try in church next week! Who knew?
And after all this, I still can't seem to grasp what it is that they're after, but I know it needs to be sexy because I lost track of how many times they used that word in a single show after it went into the hundreds. However, I AM positive that I wouldn't be taking pointers on
how to look sexy from a woman who has botoxed her face into a contorted permanent grin like the Joker. In the meantime...keep popping those booties girls! It would seem our mutual moment of enlightenment is coming soon enough.
Your friend,
The Big Galoot
