http://www.nbc.com/Video/rewind/full_episodes/apprentice.shtml?show=apprentice01
Who indeed? Cue the cookie-cutter contestants! This year's edition features the requisite batch of meticulously groomed lawyers and loudmouthed kids who happened to luck out timing the dot com and real estate booms. They're all so alike that it was easy for Trump to pick out the final two within minutes of meeting them, which he telegraphed pretty hard...the Harvard Cum Laude Olympic hockey medalist (Trump does enjoy having a conversation piece around), and the white guy in the grey suit (pick one). From those two, he won't hire the hockey champion because she's a girl...and in Trump's world, girls have a singular purpose: looking great and disappearing by the time they're 40. See below:
But as you listen to these candidates talking about themselves in the beginning, you'd think they're pretty much taking over the world. Why on Earth do they need a job from Trump? True, some obviously just want the novelty of being on the show as a marketing tool. Prime example is Kristine, an attractive and polished 37 year old lawyer who's represented the likes of Shaquille O'Neal and is married to a "top 50" chef (whatever that means) who has 2 successful restaurants in L.A. In one carefully placed scene of episode 2, she comes wandering out of her bedroom wearing pink lingerie to take a call from Trump's secretary at 4 A.M. A little moment I've affectionately dubbed "the booty call":
Now when Kobe Bryant needs a lawyer, who do you think he's going to call? Clever girl. But I'm getting ahead of myself. Our first taste of the group dynamic is watching them trying to work together to put up a tent in business suits, and you figure out quickly why a good deal of the rest are here. It's because most are irritating, egotistical bootlickers with no real marketable skills other than what you can pick up online in 6 weeks from the University of Phoenix. The handful of 30-something lawyers are all laying back and letting the 20-something real estate entrepreneurs spontaneously combust before mid-game. Exhibit A is Frank, the initial task manager of the "Arrow" corporation. He's loud and obnoxious and completely unlikable, and in the first episode he's tasked with running a car wash. Now running a car wash is an enterprise that most high school cheerleading squads and boy scout troops can execute flawlessly, but these guys have to run all over the place devising "Marketing Strategies" and "Price Points" with cell phones a-blazin'. Um, can we just sit the two best looking people on a curb with a big sign and grab a bucket and a sponge and start making money? As task leader, Frank's first self-appointed assignment is for him to immediately run off with one other guy to the Kinko's 12 blocks away so he can print out signs on a stack of 8x11 copy paper...leaving the rest of the team without direction standing around looking at each other until one of them decides that they need to move on without him. He shows up like 30 minutes later with his flyers, that his team members wave at the passing cars but they cannot read because they're so small. Eventually, the team manages to compensate for Frank's bungling, but by then it's too late.
Heidi, the "Kinetic" corportation team leader and poor man's Sandra Bullock, seems to get things under control for her team by simply not overcomplicating the task. She's done that twice now, and it's been the key to both of Kinetic's underwhelming wins. She's dubbed "The Hottie" by the show's promos, but in this crew that's a little redundant. That fits my favorite metaphor of Hawkman being dubbed "The Flyer" in the Justice League. She'd better have another angle besides looks. Still, she seems to be able to lead without a lot of obvious theatrics, and that's enough to keep the other crew out in the tents where the task losers have to take up residence.
In the second show, the task gets even more ridiculous. The teams must design swimwear for a well-known swimsuit designer (who I've never heard of...and I'm sure none of you have either) to show to a bunch of prospective buyers. Whichever team's suits sell better wins the task. Each team designs 3 men's suits and 3 women's suits. Now, men's swimwear has to be the easiest thing to figure out since it's basically a pair of shorts. You have two decisions to make, color and length. And guys buy a swimsuit like once every 8 years from whatever store they happen to be in. It is not an event. And personally, I don't care how I look in it...the only thing that matters is that it has pockets for my ice cream money and I'm heading to the register. I'm willing to bet I probably represent roughly 95% of American men in this matter. So Arrow has a buff gay dude who just can't help himself. He basically commandeers the design process for one of the guys' suits and produces a pink and white flowery tropical pair of lycra hotpants (to the measured protests of his team) and demands that he model them himself on the runway as follows:
He calls it "taking a risk", and it is fun to watch Donald and Ivanka in the boardroom teaching him the difference between taking a risk and developing a product suitable for 0.1% of the market to model in front of buyers.
I'm applying next year...if nothing else, America needs me in a swimsuit! LOL!
