Tuesday, January 27, 2009

Beautiful Talking Heads

So, the Miss America pageant came and went unbeknownst to most of us DVR-types that have abandoned live television for good. Although I'm sure not many people caught it at all...beauty pageants are typically a waste of time, except for the fact that you sometimes get to see pretty girls make whacky faces like this when they find out they're slightly prettier than the all the other pretty girls:


Check out this year's winner...standing next to Mario Lopez (last seen in "Saved By the Bell" 20 years ago...and I think maybe he was on that dancing stars show).


She's going to use her winnings and status as Miss America to become a television news anchor...her choice of the pre-approved princess careers that she is to pursue (in between the press conferences to explain away all those pesky drunken topless cell phone photo shoots at the local bars that show up on Facebook).

What is so great about the whole setup is that one of our society's greatest double standards (beauty pageants) is directly feeding another (television news anchorettes). Consider exhibit A. During the recent financial meltdown, I found myself actually figuring out what channel CNBC is on and watching some of it to try to get a better understanding of exactly why my 401K is going to make me little more than a future "Dollar Menunaire". One thing I couldn't help but notice was the striking physical difference between the male anchors and the female anchors. Here's a sampling of the women:


And here are the men:


Is business and finance beyond the grasp of all but homecoming queens in Ann Taylor blazers? Apparently no such stipulation holds true for the men!

And the news desks for the local TV stations are even more formulaic in what they do. Here's the rough outline for just about any channel:

Beautiful-talking-head: "Good evening, this is Beautiful-talking-head welcoming you to channel 10 news. Our top story tonight...two children have been shot in neighborhood-whites-won't-enter. We take you live to frozen-or-wet-hispanic-field-reporter reporting live on the scene from neighborhood-whites-won't-enter."

Frozen-or-wet-hispanic-field-reporter: "We're told by the police that this is a case where stray bullets from a drive by shooting hit this house behind me and struck two elementary school children while they were watching cartoons. The children were rushed to a local emergency room and are in stable condition tonight. The police indicated that there has been a recent sharp increase in violence here in neighborhood-whites-won't-enter, which I'm assuming is why I was sent here instead of any beautiful-talking-heads. This is frozen-or-wet-hispanic-field-reporter, reporting live for channel 10 news. Back to you."

Beautiful-talking-head: "And now for a look at sports, here's Blonde-with-distractingly-white-teeth."

Oh well, if she never accomplishes anything in life, she'll be at least as successful as Mario Lopez.