The PCD Handbook of Sexy

After digesting 3 consecutive hours of Pussycat Dolls, I have to confess that I have no Earthly idea what it takes to be a Pussycat Doll. But that's OK because neither does Robin Antin. Of the final nine, we were left with one that can sing but can't dance, three that can dance but can't sing, a professional reality show auditioner who's rapidly running out of time, two "Scary Spice" clones, a Single Mom/Knicks City Dancer, and Sisely. Now that Robin is forced to pick from this ragtag collection of finalists, I'm guessing that she knows what I already know...it doesn't really matter who you pick because there are already six other dolls to hide her behind. Still, it is a competition with 7 hour-long episodes to fill so you do need to make up a criteria of some kind. She's chosen to fill it with a weekly theme outlining a particular trait "important" to becoming a Pussycat Doll. Interested? Me too...

PCD "Must Have" #1 - Confidence!

In order to be a Pussycat Doll, you need confidence. And in PCD world feminine confidence is built through public displays of semi-nude sexiness. These involve a pole, underwear, and suggestive gyrating motions. You'd think that a 20 year old go-go dancer from Virginia Beach (Brittany) would run away with this, but there's a catch. Yes, you are in your underwear behind plate glass doing a pole dance, but if you turn your ass too many degrees at the wrong angle, you just end up looking like a ham-and-egg stripper...and that's NOT what the Pussycat Dolls are all about. Confused? Join the club. Anyway, this puts Brittany squarely behind the 8-ball because all of her stripper training is now working against her, and she is forced to hang up her boa for her tremendous lack of confidence at the first elimination (or maybe it was because she sounds like a squirrel getting sent through a woodchipper when she sings? I can't remember now...).

Brittany adjusts her confidence prior to her final performance

PCD "Must Have" #2 - Persona!

All good Pussycats bring a unique look and personality to the collective...provided that it's appropriately sexy. And Robin knows that nothing manufactures female uniqueness faster than a good $750 makeover and a t-shirt with a sassy phrase on it! After the pretty girls get turned into different looking pretty girls, we get treated to two uniquely horrific renditions of hit songs. But the elimination round showed just how important it is not to look like other girls. Sisely, who skated by her "Pon De Replay" disaster the previous week on the "not my song type" excuse was tossed a Pat Benatar song that everyone thought she'd HAVE to knock out of the park (seeing as how she works hard at channeling Benatar and it might work if she didn't already look more like the love child of Kirsten Dunst and Kim Jong Il). She booted the song, and STILL made it to the next round simply because she doesn't look like all the other girls. For some reason Robin is desperately clinging to the silly notion that the PCD franchise transcends a physical stereotype. Pretty lofty goals for someone breaking the same ground trampled to death by the Spice Girls 10 years ago.

PCD "Must Have" #3 - Creativity!

Now, the only creativity I can see associated with this show is how Sugar Ray keeps finding new ways to introduce Li'l Kim like she's accomplished something and we're supposed to know who the hell she is (this week's was "One of the most successful female musical performers in history..." huh?). As defined by PCD's Carmit and Ashley, creativity means finding new ways to inject sexiness into everything you do. Carmit insists that you should utilize all the abilities culled from your lifetime of experiences towards this endeavor...kind of like how she uses her competitive gymnastics skills to stretch her legs farther over her head than we could ever have dreamed possible from a music video.

Scary Spice clone #2 invents a clever new way to express herself

Ashley (dubbed "the bombshell of the group" by Robin making her a true bimbo's bimbo) proceeds to inform the girls that "Inside every woman is a Pussycat Doll" trying to scratch her way out. Really? That gives me an interesting field experiment to try in church next week! Who knew?

And after all this, I still can't seem to grasp what it is that they're after, but I know it needs to be sexy because I lost track of how many times they used that word in a single show after it went into the hundreds. However, I AM positive that I wouldn't be taking pointers on
how to look sexy from a woman who has botoxed her face into a contorted permanent grin like the Joker. In the meantime...keep popping those booties girls! It would seem our mutual moment of enlightenment is coming soon enough.

Your friend,

The Big Galoot

Ode to an Aging Princess

Know what I love about Amazon.com almost as much as the user reviews? It's the recommendation lists like these:

Let me preface this by saying I laughed throughout the entire list, and am now a dyed-in-the-wool certified fan...if there were a way for me to anonymously buy an item from the list and have it shipped to the "Outta Banksta", I would have done it. I could also fetch my charcoals and draw you a dead-on picture of this middle-aged-Outer-Banks-obsessed princess because Leesburg is literally filled to the Targets with them. You know the type, big "OBX" sticker on the back of the suburban, kinda sorta in shape and keeps trying to dress like a hip teenager for her day of shopping, kickboxing, and shuffling kids around between her 9:30 AM and 3:30 PM no-whip mochas. She'll follow a trend to the ends of the Earth, she will.

What appeals to this special type of lady? Apparently soap, hurricane literature, timekilling electronic distractions, and hideous wall art. All of the items on the list are cookie cutter trendy, with the exception of the Prada women's handbag which is quite fabulous IMHO. Let's review some of the items together:

1) TomTom GO 700 Portable GPS Navigation with Hands-Free Calling

Outta Banksta says:
	"sometimes prince charming doesn't take vacation days to go along for the ride!"

The Big Galoot says:
"might also come in handy when he gets tired of working like a dog to foot the bill and you need to locate him for future alimony payments!"

2) O, The Oprah Magazine [1-year subscription]

Outta Banksta says:
	"two words: FAVORITE THINGS. Like a private princess wish list"

The Big Galoot says:
"ah, the stay-at-home Bible. Even a princess has to take orders from somebody"

3) MARRIKAS 1000TC Cotton Duvet Cover Set KING-White

Outta Banksta says:
	"a princess's bed should be luxurious"

The Big Galoot says:
"I agree, but you're still sleeping on the wet spot your majesty"

4) (A 3-fer) Pre de provence Gift Box with nine 25g Assorted Soaps, Breakfast Soaps, Lavender and Spearmint Shea Butter Soap

Outta Banksta says:
	"a pampered princess is a happy princess"

The Big Galoot says:
"perhaps this is why I can never find a f*cking bar of soap at the Target"

But I kid because I love...if I ever find myself in the Outer Banks again, rest assured I'll keep a sharp lookout for the Jeep with the ridiculous headlight guards on it and smile knowing that there's a bona-fide princess inside ;)

Loosen Up My Buttons...

If you're like me (and thank God you're not), you're hating American Idol this year. I mean come on, the best singer in the bunch looks like Randy Jackson in a wig.

Yikes! Looks like someone just escaped from the "Dog Pound"

Is this really the face I want to see staring at me from my CD covers? Well, OK. There's a zero percent chance I'll ever buy a CD from American Idol, but is this the face I want staring at me from the new releases section in the Best Buy? Hmmm...if only there were some way you could take the voices of a few background singers and stuff them into a pack of low-rent strippers. Ah, but there is! They're called the Pussycat Dolls, and they're searching for fresh Pussycats on the CW with 33 million American households none the wiser.

But there is one American who watched it...Kevin. He's so new to blogging that we don't have an official handle for him yet...so feel free to send me your recommendations. And now, without further ado...

The first episode of "Pussycat Dolls Present: The Search for the Next Doll" runs an entire hour, but manages to completely avoid the central question "why do they need another Doll?" Is 6 not enough? Well, if you look closely, some of them do look a bit tired... No clues given yet, but my guess is that one of them is pregnant (Tommy Lee? David Beckham? Hugh Grant?), and just wants to settle down to a simple life in the country... or not. Look forward to the big reveal and hazing ritual in the last episode, where the final task is to rip out the throat of an existing Doll in a full contact, martial arts cage match (with Jell-O?). Oops, sorry, was channeling Blood Sport there for a second.

So, where to begin. Oh yes, nausea. No, not the stomach virus that swept through the contestant line-up, but the eight endless minutes of the final 18 girls, culled from "about 10,000", waxing poetic about how inspirational the Pussycat Dolls have been in their lives. This would be the same group who's debut album first hit stores in September of 2005. The same group that started life out by erotic dancing at the Viper Den in LA. The same group that had it's first big hit titled "Stickwitu". Yeah, that group. Anyway, the girls have "always dreamed" of being part of such an inspiring group, and some "have lots of talent and are looking forward to sharing it". Okay then.

So, given all that massive talent, you might be surprised to learn that some of the final 18 freely admit that "I'm not a dancer" or are hoping "my dancing will get me through while I learn to sing". Hmmm. Good luck with that. Question: were these the best 18, or is this like American Idol, where some of the no-talent "leaks" through just to fuel the angst? Throughout the episode, we learn that other girls have more practical concerns, like whether they can sing and dance after staying up all night, hold down a meal, or wonder if they look too much like the other girls (my personal favorite). Skin color too similar? No problemo - do we have enough time to hit the tanning bed? You'll be relieved to know that at least one of the "too much alike" problems is resolved by judicious use of a simple hair curler. Just like female MacGyver's, they are.

"Try picking this girl out of a crowded New Jersey rest stop...good luck!" (TBG)

Time for some stats (no, not those stats). Props to the producers for having girls ranging in age from 18 all the way up to 27. Guess who gets cut? I don't want to ruin it for you, but the oldest, and most of the very youngest don't make it. Shocking. But no more shocking than the 30 second segment devoted to one girl's belching contest in the hotel rooms. Yeah, she was cut. In this show, pictures of you on the 'net in compromising poses are simply street cred, but belching the loudest? That's just not Doll-like ;-) Interestingly, this is the same gal who has trouble standing up during dance practice, only to find out later that she has.... a virus!! You should've seen the other girls run away. You could see their skin crawling even on my old low-def TV. Too bad they couldn't run fast enough. About half of them came down with the stomach flu anyway. Much was made of the girls stamina in the face of this crippling illness, and some extra camera time given to the graybeard (so to speak) of the bunch, Sisely, who at age 25 knows how to extol on the virtues of a full night's sleep.

There was some interesting insight given about the music business, with the first lesson delivered in the person of Robin Antin, the "creator" of the Pussycat Dolls. Much like the creation of the Power Puff Girls, I suspect "chemical X" was somehow involved, but the upshot is that Robin's other ingredients were "the best silicone in the valley", a blazingly gay dance choreographer, a voice coach, some sound engineers, the president of Geffen records, and lastly, and certainly least important, a singer. As a side note, never play poker with that voice coach. That guy is amazing. He looks serene, even when listening to a chorus of stepped on cats. Or maybe he's deaf. If so, your secret's safe with me, dude.

I have to admit, given the plastic appeal and artificial creation of the group, I was a bit surprised to find out that each of the Dolls has a name. Sure, they sound like they're straight from Austin Powers, but they are names. Think I'm joking? Try these out... Carmit Bachar, Jessica Sutta, Nicole Scherzinger. Speaking of Nicole, the lead singer, the most riveting scene of the show is when Nicole sits in to judge the first performance, and then blurts out "I love Sisely". Nicole luuuvs Sisely. No, really. When she said it, there was this look of greedy anticipation, like she's sizing up dessert, followed by an awkward silence. She must have realized that everyone was staring, because she then felt compelled to add "Well, you know what I mean." Yes Nicole, yes I do. We all know what you mean. I think we just found the next Doll...

So then there was some dancing, puking, singing, and judging. And just like that, we're down to 9 girls, who will now be moving in together to synchronize their monthly cycles, and also, to learn what it takes to be a Pussycat. I can hardly wait.

Final thought: I now officially hate the song line "Don't you wish your girlfriend was hot like me". They played it during scene cuts about 15 times. Ugh. Cue up the hot dancers, hit the mute button, and roll the credits!