Amazing Race 10 - Climbing The Ladder of Hotness

In honor of the dramatic rise to first place of the "Miss Whatevers", I have decided to answer the call for a more detailed explanation of what I've termed the "ladder of hotness"...the yardstick that pretty girls use to measure each other by and sort out their ranks like any good societal group does. It goes a little something like this (from lowest to highest rank):

Cheerleaders - This usually holds some kind of credibility that dissipates shortly after college graduation and completely vanishes by 30, when nobody cares anymore and it just sounds like desparate clutching at former beauty.

Strippers - Like the cheerleaders only without the interested parents.

NFL Cheerleaders - This title follows you around a little longer and may even land you on a lower-tier reality show, simply because the NFL brand has become synonymous with eliteness. The league has somehow transformed the cheerleading concept into the closest thing you can have to an outdoor strip club. I watched the "NFL Cheerleader Playoffs" on the NFL Network at the recommendation of one T. Gallagher. The best thing about it is how these girls have swallowed the simple tagline the NFL uses in order to get them to stand around all Sunday in their underwear for $50 a game. It's called "representing the organization", and you'll hear that line about a dozen times from each girl as they rollerskate an obstacle course in hotpants and a tube top. I'm sure the Chargers couldn't be prouder.

Beauty Pageant Contestants - More street cred than an NFL cheerleader, since there's only one per state. Stand one of these next to 49 others though, and they lose some of that shazam factor.

Model - This is where you're actually getting paid to be hot, which takes you to the next level.

Playboy Model - This usually carries more notoriety than a nameless fashion model. You become forever introduced as "former Playmate so-and-so" on Entertainment Tonight, but it also puts you on track to cap out as a B-list actress or a celebrity girlfriend.

Country Singer - You're hot, and have a visible talent. You make records, but nobody listens to them. Still...you're hot.

Supermodel - The general idea being that a supermodel has so much more to offer than a regular model. Although this seems to be farther and farther fetched every time the words "Supermodel Tyra Banks" comes out of somebody's mouth.

Pop Singer - Same as the country singer, only with a fan base. Also has a tendency to be more of a trainwreck in terms of personal life as your suitors tend to come from the Kevin Federline/Nick Lachey/Wilmer Valderrama bin.

Star of TV Show - Note: This is a sliding scale based on the popularity of the show. It also helps if you have ugly (or all male) co-stars, so you're not lost in a sea of beauty.

Movie Star - When an army of people dedicate their lives to photographing you on your way to pilates class, you know it's all about you.

Model/Movie Star/Pop Singer - The rare triple threat...looks, voice, and the ability to read lines without looking directly at the camera. But now, like Alexander, you must weep...for there are no more lands for you to conquer. Might as well just go get drunk 6 nights a week.

The Amazing Race 10 (10/15)

Poor David. I can't help but feel for the guy. He spends his days in a hole in the ground, only to emerge to Mary's endless screeching at the end of the day. I think I can see why he says he "loves his job" in his website bio. And why does he run the race? So he can give his family a better life. Super-size the fries, take the kids to Disney World on an airplane, get Mary's teeth brushed, you know...the works!

I hope they can stave off elimination even from their disadvantaged position, but I have a feeling that's going to be near impossible. Mary is an awful big anchor to be dragging around Asia...but these two are turning out to have pretty big hearts at the end of it all. They're looking like pretty decent people next to Peter, who might just get himself dumped before the race even ends by the looks of the dramatic slow-motioned silent head turn by Sarah at the Indian bus stop (the standard Amanzing Race body-language of complete disgust with your partner for 10 seasons running now).

What's on tap next? The Prom Queens vs. the Queen Latifahs...the yin/yang conflict everyone knew was coming! I'll lay my money now on the Alabama Slammers. To lose. I mean come on, Dustin & Kandice have been forged into fierce competitors by all those pageants, right? They aren't going to tape those breasts together unless they mean business!

With Edwin & Godwin left as the last team of "intellectuals" (brilliant move with that fake cell phone that got two other teams inspired to call ahead and land an earlier flight than them), this is looking like anyone can win it. The male model/junkies aren't looking dominant...and in fact, got a little more glassy-eyed than I would have liked reminiscing about their heroin shooting days. I'm thinking that Rob & Kimberly were amazingly low key in the last episode...a stark contrast from that hellacious boat-screaming they put on each other in Vietnam. They can't possibly keep themselves composed long enough to contend for the win...can they? Only the Tivo will tell...

Amazing Race 10 Episodes 1 & 2

Who to love most? Who to love most?

The Ivy league guys who look like Evan Wang on steroids? I did enjoy the moment where they couldn't remember that they're not Chinese...do they all start looking the same to themselves at some point too?

The gay boyfriends who are seen in the opening credits eating waffle cones from the Coldstone after a long day of window shopping? Is there anything better than their checkpoint dances?

The male models...this year's version being ex-junkies who were able to turn their lives around? Which I assume means stop smoking crack long enough to sit still and look fabulous while someone takes pictures? Oh well, at least they've got somebody to fill the requisite shirtless basketball game in the opening credits.

The "Miss-Whatevers" beauty contestants, who you can't tell apart without the sashes? They should definitely have worn them, because it would save them all the work they have to do reminding everyone that they were former Miss-USA contestants. The funniest thing about these two? They're telling us they're on the show to bust all the myths about beauty queens being just a pretty face. Is that like the team of Miss-USA contestants I just saw on "Treasure Hunters" that kept spewing that same mantra on every episode? Will someone please explain to me why being in a beauty pageant leads to such colossal esteem issues that you feel the need to constantly prove that you're more than a great pair of asscheeks? Never mind...now that I'm writing that down I don't think I really want to understand it after all...

The ballistic dating couple (Rob & Kimberly) who love their relationship 99.9% of the time? Is there anyone happier than me that we'll get to see that other 0.1% of their relationship in full display for the next few weeks? I had to rewind the tivo 3 times to watch Kimberly get clotheslined off of her horse in Mongolia (I verified that there was only one tree in the entire forest that was leaning over and she managed to guide her horse directly under it at ramming speed) and see Rob rushing to her rescue....Rob? Rob? Yeah, dude...that's her. The red jacket laying on the forest floor not moving. And if you want to understand why it looks like he's always a step behind in the race, take a look at his career: California real estate student! Way to stay in front of a trend, buddy...

The "Everyday Islams" who are just like you and me, except for the threatening looks and the constant "Allah this" and "Allah that"? Their shining moment came when they couldn't shake the cheerleaders' hands because Islam forbids touching a woman (unless you're kidnapping her, I suppose). But the best had to be they were notified of their unexpected elimination when the guy on the right gives Phil a look like he was already plotting his beheading video in his mind, but then snaps out of it and is all, "oh man, them's the breaks!"

The cheerleaders who are desperate to find a relevant use for cheerleading powers to win the Amazing Race? Super-cheerleader balance to help you do tai-chi? Leg lift practice to help you scale the Great Wall of China? But now that they're eliminated, they'll finally find a use for all of their "skills"...cheering all the other teams on to victory from the sidelines!

No, my favorite is Peter and Sarah, hands down. I love the fact that he's making her all kinds of robot legs and she's still all like, "I don't know if he's the guy for me". I also love the fact that she's a motiviational speaker, but at every challenge when things get rough, she has to go through a 30 minute routine of tears and "I can't do it" before she finally steps up. But mostly, as I watch her trying to run with that captain hook foot, I started wondering aloud (to the horror of everyone on the couch), "if he's making her legs, why didn't he go a little more Inspector Gadget with it?" You know, like hook up a Segue for rolling around Beijing, or a suction-cup leg for climbing the Great Wall of China.

But I kid because I love...she's accomplished more with one leg than I'll likely accomplish with two.

"Damn You Frat Boys!"

The rallying cry of the hippy!

I lost interest in Ray & Yolanda when I saw that she was simply going to turn the race into an internal battle for relationship respect. She'd been doing it for awhile, but I had figured she'd be past it by the final legs when the million dollars was at hand. Ah well, I did manage to pay them a final chuckle when he was pointing out that she didn't want sit in the back and read the map while he drives, and then when he lets her drive, she's not happy because she wants to read the map. As he figures out that she's simply going to find fault with whatever system they devise, he sums it up nicely with his "Driving Miss Crazy" remark...although a simple "Yes'm" would've done just fine.

With those two off the radar, I could only marvel at the amazing transformation taking place on the screen in front of me. The hippies and the poon hounds switched bodies somewhere in Japan. B.J. & Tyler begin playing deceitful mindgames on the hounds...then laughingly take the time to flirt with Japanese girls while the hounds watched on in disgust. The bravado and commentary began streaming out of their furry mouths at every turn while the dejected hounds clammed up under the enormously visible pressure they suddenly felt themselves under when they realized they weren't going to shake the hippies.

The ultimate payoff was when the poonies saw that the final challenge was coming down to a mental exercise, and that they were grossly overmatched by the college-educated hippies. The looks on their faces as they stepped on the mat in second place said it all...the realization that no matter how good-looking they are, there will always be someone far less attractive yet far more savvy than them around waiting to take money out of their pockets (and probably land girls like the Stinky Pinkies...once they figure out where the cash went, of course). Bad news fellas...you're guys. Looks are relatively meaningless. Just ask Jay-Z.

My apologies that this post is a little stale. I meant to get this out far sooner, but only watched it before taking off to Puerto Rico last week (training for a future Amazing Race?). In preparation for my inaugural visit to Latin America, I grew a killer mustache and learned how to ask three phrases in Spanish...well OK, two of these I picked up over a three year immersion period at the Fair Lakes Don Pablo's:

1) ¿Can I have more cheese in these quesadillas?
2) ¡That toilet won't flush anymore!
3) ¿How much for the lapdance?

Unfortunately I only got to use two of them. That, plus the fact that the most strenuous exercise I had last week was sliding from my pool chair into the water like a manatee has enabled me to add the final 5 pounds that has landed me in a three way "biggest loser" style competition between myself, Michelle, and our family cat. I'm the one in the red tank top and shorts with the hershey kiss wrappers stuck in the drawstrings.

The Amazing Race 9 - The Penultimate Post

After mourning the loss of Lake & Michelle for several weeks, I was delighted that Team MoJo stepped in and delivered as the token dysfunctional couple. Although sad to see them go, I must admit the payoff of their postrace interview was as delightful as an after-dinner mint.

"Stepping onto the mat in last place, dating couple Joseph & Monica received the bad news from Phil that they had been eliminated from the Race. Through her tears, Monica remarked on her partner, "What I really took away from all this is how much he supported me. Joseph really is my rock and I could not have gotten through this without him." Joseph added, "Monica being there right by my side helps me go on. We’re definitely going to get married one day and have a family." Monica ended by noting, "We have each other when we get home and we have this Race to look back on for the rest of our lives. It’s such a beautiful gift." "

Were these guys watching the same race I was? You know the one where Monica has a never ending supply of saltwater gushing out of her head, and Joseph is screaming at her as soon as the first tear rolls down her cheek? He was so busy being her "rock" at the yield that they completely missed the fact that the timer was out of sand…I'd love to have them over for an evening of Boggle sometime. The only thing that brought them together the end was the fact that BJ & Tyler took over as the target of Joseph's rage. Monica does have a point though, were it not for Joseph kicking her ass across the globe, she wouldn't have survived the first leg. I think the scene where she's standing in the middle of the Thai market tearfully holding a wood plank with only 2 pots left on it sums her up in a single image. Or maybe it was that one where she was standing in the Italian market tearfully holding a giant fish? Ah…forget it. I'll just burn a copy of those pink hot-shorts into my memory and be done with it.

It appears that the Poon Hounds are going to walk away with the million in anti-climactic fashion. Too bad, because the last thing those guys need is one million dollars to fund another 5 years of beach volleyball and skirt chasing. I loved watching them making plays at the other teams' girlfriends, simply because there was nobody left for them to work on. Trolling for booty is so programmed into the core of their beings, they simply don't know how to turn it off. It's like being stuck in a horrible Vince Vaughn movie full-time with no way out.

Ray & Yolanda, I'm rooting for you…I hope it matters, but I'm afraid it doesn't.

The Amazing Race Episodes 3-6

I finally took a short break to grind out the last three episodes of the Amazing Race on Tivo. Let's run through the highlights:

Most Ironic Moment - The Stinky Pinkies getting eliminated on a challenge that consists of putting together a puzzle of a naked man. This can’t be from lack of exposure…can it?

Most Horrific Visual – The rug-like shoulder hair on Barry. Stick with the sleeves, my man.

Worst Use of “MoJo” – How can a girl who looks like “Mo” not have at least 6 Italian guys climbing all over themselves looking to carry her fish around the marketplace (so to speak)? You’re a fantastic physical specimen in a country jam-packed with lotharios…work it girl!

Most Head-Scratching Exit Interview – The Stinky Pinkies claiming that at only age 22, the race has given them more experiences than most DD-cup bimbos their age. I guess most girls have to wait until their 30’s to take their bar hookup scene to Russia?

Luckiest Bastards - The Poon Hounds should be able to focus just enough to walk away with the million now that the Stinky Pinkies are gone. No more DDistractions.

Stupidest “Cool Guy” Phrase – When Poon Hound Jeremy calls Phil “Big Philly Style” at the checkpoint mat, it makes me want to reach into the TV and punch him in the mouth.

Best Relationship Dichotomy – Self-deprecating nerd Dave wiping a tear away from his eye confesses to Phil that he’s upset that he got caught up in the race and lost patience with Lori because he loves her more than anything. Compare that with “Jo” delivering the “WHAT DO YOU WANT” scream at “Mo” like a 10-year married vet. Looks like the “MoJo” t-shirts are back in the knapsacks for now. Poor Monica…all those fantastic looks and she’ll probably never have a guy treat her the way Dave treats Lori. Nerds rule!

Most Annoying Team – BJ & Tyler. They’ve got the names of Baywatch lifeguards, the look of “Jay & Silent Bob”, and the body language of rodeo clowns. But with careers like “Online Tutor” and “Filmmaker”, I have to believe these two are producing fetish porn in a rat-infested basement somewhere. Don’t ask me...it just fits.

Worst Fashion Statement – What in the world was up with that “Conan the Barbarian” leather chest thong Lake was wearing at the kayak polo event? And why did Michelle have a matching one? Did they just wrap a shoot in BJ & Tyler's basement?

Best Line In a Chick Flick – OK. This has nothing to do with the Amazing Race, but I have to throw it in. I saw “Failure to Laugh….er, Launch” last week. The movie was a complete waste, until Sarah Jessica Parker lays out a line that made me spit my Tab all over the two rows in front of me. She tells her slacker love interest, “You can either spend the rest of your life having fun. Or you can spend it with me.” Works on so many levels :)

The Amazing Race 9 - Episode 2 (3/7)

Oh, the humanity! Glamazons, I hardly knew ye. Now I guess I'll never get to find out the answer to my burning question…"If the Glamazons were the last females left in the race, would the Poon Hounds resort to chasing them around?" My guess would be yes, but it might take a blood alcohol level north of .2. In the meantime, it sure is fun watching them mouth off like a couple of Spring Break rejects. I'll have to recalibrate my prediction on them winning the race since their cockiness and obvious Achilles' heel is sure to overtake their physical advantage in the grandest "Tortoise and the Hare" sense. They'd better figure out how to regain a little focus…if they lose that million, they've only got a "Survivor" audition standing between them and a life of shuttling spinach queso dip at the Don Pablo's.

I'm keeping a close eye on Lake, who looks like he's primed to explode once the straggling teams are gone…their bio on the CBS site lays out the recipe for disaster in three paragraphs:

Lake & Michelle are a close-knit married couple from Hattiesburg, Mississippi. They met as freshmen in college and have been married for 13 years.

Lake is a dentist who has limited traveling experience outside of the United States. While he describes himself as energetic and motivated, Michelle notes that he's your typical Type A personality, very impatient and always looking for ways to do it better.

Michelle is a stay-at-home mother of three who works part-time in Lake's office. She claims that she's much more laid back than her husband and hopes this won't cause friction between the two while taking part on THE AMAZING RACE. Michelle sees herself as being loyal, kind and loving and is running the Race to prove to herself and Lake that she's capable of accomplishing things.

At 36 she's just now trying to prove that she's capable of accomplishing things? Where's she been…in the arcade?

On a closing note, I also like the mother/daughter team where the daughter has a little Jessica Alba thing going on. The girl's smart to travel with her Mom…nothing will keep the 'ol Poon Hounds at bay like the visible threat of a potential mother-in-law (unless they think they can score with her too, of course…not sure I'd put that line of thinking past those two).

The Amazing Race 9 - Episode 1 (2/28)

Greetings Amazing Race fans! Been awhile, so thought I'd take timeout from my busy day of sleeping through mass meetings and offer up some unsolicited observations on the new season.

So, I was reeled in by the "Glamazons"…partly because their name brought back wistful memories of the G.L.O.W. girls of the 80's (that’s "Gorgeous Ladies of Wrestling" for you highbrow types), and partly because they're still pulling out the ol' bedazzler in their mid-40's and thinking that it's "glamorous". I'm sure they're wowing 'em at the Safeway.

I'm delighted that the "lifelong friends" took an early bow. I definitely like my gays with a sinister streak (ie: Chip & Reichen or Joe & Bill). Also amusing were this year's rendition of the prom queens (whom I've affectionately dubbed the "stinky pinkies") and I look forward to watching them get chased around by the jobless 2% body fat frat boy poon hounds (and future race champions).

And where to begin with "Mo Jo". I knew there was a 0% chance they were married when I saw him actually wearing that t-shirt she made for him…you know, the one where she taped "Team Mo Jo" on the front with "Jo" on the back with blue masking tape. If that was all that was in my backpack, it's a lock you'd see me running around Buenos Aires shirtless for the next hour. But the most priceless moment was when Jo looked at Mo and said "Are you seriously going to start crying now?" Bad news for Jo, but good news for Moi…the magic is back!

Oh, and one final blast from the AR past. This morning on CBS they had Boston Rob and Amber do a needless segment where they babysit for a couple that hasn't been on a date in like 8 years. They load up the kids with pizza and soda and get them all wound up so they're literally bouncing off the walls by bedtime…at which point, Rob smirks at the camera and says "That's the beauty of it, pretty soon the parents will be home and we won't have to deal with it." I think I speak for all parents when I say, "Thanks...jackass". Ah well, he left it with "Amber and I want kids eventually, but right now we're just enjoying being newlyweds." Tick-tock ;)