[The Amazing Race] My Po-Po-Poker Face!

Just caught up with the first episodes of the new Amazing Race season. As always, the best part is meeting the teams and watching the early eliminations in the usual order:

1) People who don't read the clues
2) Teams whose weakest link feels the immediate need to "prove their worth"
3) Old people who are more or less sightseeing before they die

I did enjoy the new twist where one team gets immediately eliminated off of the starting line. I was happy to see that the team eliminated was the one I really didn't want to get to know...a pair of tattooed yoga instructors that looked like they were stuffed full of annoying comments and personality. Gone before they even got in a single yoga pose! They did put a great spin on their elimination though, saying that they "freed the other teams from the humiliation of being the first team eliminated". So thoughtful! They can lead my bayonette charge any day ;)

Yoga has prepared our bodies and minds for imminent failure!

After that, we caught a glimpse of a few standout teams:

The Globetrotters - "Flight Time" and "Big Easy" look to be odds on favorites and easily the most likeable team. They claim they're the best looking team to ever run the race. That may be true, but only until Kevin & I get there (code names "Spite Time" and "Big Greasy").

The Interracial Couple - She's a former Miss America and aspiring singer, and he's a white guy. He says that they're out to prove that an interracial couple can be successful in the race. I think he'd better not let her get a good look at "Flight Time" and "Big Easy"!

Mika & Canaan - The requisite Christian "purity" couple. I almost spit my beer all over the couch when Mika claimed that Canaan isn't interested in pursuing her for sex, and that he focuses on the other things in their relationship. I'm not sure anyone has told him that though...on their CBS website profile he listed his favorite activities to do with her as "writing songs and making out". To quote Lady GaGa, I believe someone is "bluffin' with her muffin'"!

Lance & Keri - Engaged couple from Boston that should hang around long enough to head to the printers and cancel the invitations. He just can't stop talking about how great he is. She's one of those unfortunate girls who's heard it so much she's actually started believing it (as she said in the intro interview, "he's so smaahht"). Oldest trick in the douchebag handbook, my dear.

Garrett & Jessica - The usual troubled couple trying to figure out if they should get engaged and using the race as a relationship litmus. My favorite moment was when she was losing control of herself while trying to herd ducks in a Vietnamese mud-field, and Garrett turns to the camera and says that Jessica's biggest problem is that "she can't handle it when things aren't going her way". In other words, she's a girl. *Sigh* Don't they know that the secret to a happy relationship is to spend as little time as possible interacting with each other? And when you do, it better be spent doing activities that are absolutely devoid of external stress? All you're ever going to figure out by spending 3 weeks racing around foreign countries is that you're wrong for each other. So very wrong. *Sniff* I'll miss these two!

Maria & Tiffany - Where to start with these ladies? How about with their hook. They're professional poker players, and supposedly two of the more successful current female players (from my research, that translates to 17th and 38th place respectively). According to the CBS website, Tiffany is known on the circuit by her male counterparts as "Hot Chips" (which I think narrowly beat out "Poker Tits"). She and Maria believe that their poker skills will translate well to the race. OK, I'll bite. So from what I've seen on ESPN, a poker player needs a few basic traits to succeed:

1) The ability to count - Maria & Tiffany were supposed to arrive at the first checkpoint in Japan with 20 tourists, but only brought 18. OK, moving on...

2) The ability to read people - Tiffany remarks in a cab that they can gain a great tactical advantage by flirting with the team of hot guys...who are hiding the fact that they're actually gay (better not let them get a good look at Cheyne!). OK, moving on...

3) A strategic mind - Maria & Tiffany decide to not reveal that they're wealthy poker celebrities, and instead tell everyone that they work at a Los Angeles homeless shelter in an attempt to make other teams feel more sympathy towards them. Their cover is blown within 15 minutes as they're made by a fellow passenger in the airport. OK, moving on...

4) Blind, dumb luck - As they hit the checkpoint mat dead last in Tokyo, Phil looks at them and says "the good news is that this is a non-elimination leg". Ah, now I'm beginning to see why these ladies have been so successful at poker!

Another great season is underway! And the Galoot is officially on board!

Super Bowl Ads

So Pittsburgh takes advantage of another fortuitous Super Bowl matchup. I'm just not that impressed by a run that includes home wins over an 8-8 pretender and a division opponent they ALWAYS beat, capped off by a super bowl win against a 9-7 team that they should have easily handled but almost found a way to lose to. Congratulations Steeler fans! Nflshop.com has stocked up on plenty of XXXL Super Bowl Champs merchandise, so you can show your hometown pride off in whatever city you've had to relocate to to find employment.

But enough about football...now on to the best part! Critiquing the ads!



Best Ads

1. Bud Light: Me and my entire family laughed at the one where the guy gets thrown from a meeting out of the top story window for suggesting that Bud Light be cut from the budget. Well-executed slapstick. The Conan O'Brien Swedish "Party Starter" ad was hilarious too. If I didn't already know that Bud Light tastes like bottled Clydesdale piss, I'd be tempted to try it and see what "drinkability" is all about.

2. Cash 4 Gold: Ed McMahon and MC Hammer hocking their bling for cash. Hammer's gold medallion of himself wearing a gold medallion. Ed mournfully patting his golden toilet, "farewell old friend". Wonderfully executed back-and-forth. So much fun it almost makes you forget they're only going to pay you 25% of market value for all that gold.

3. Star Trek: OK, so I don't think that regular old movie trailers should qualify as creative Super Bowl ads, but I almost wet my pants with excitement when this I saw this one.

4. Hulu: The whole "Alec Baldwin as mastermind of an alien plot to use a constant stream of television to reduce our brains to mush so they could be scooped out with a melonballer and eaten" thing was truly inspired madness. Hosting super bowl ads on Hulu so The Big Galoot can rewatch them at work is a slam dunk too.

5. Teleflora: I had no idea that sending boxed flowers meant that you thought someone was worthless! Most everyone I've sent them to seemed to enjoy getting them. Still, the part where the flowers tell the girl "nobody wants to see you naked" and the nerd in the next cubicle goes "I'd like to see you..." and she cuts him off is golden.

6. State Farm: OK, not offically aired DURING the Super Bowl, but it was close and I'm running out of good ones. The "Feeling Kinda' Sunday" one where LeBron James dreams of signing with the Cleveland Browns was a good one. LeBron in an NFL uniform! He jumps four feet off the ground to reject an extra point! Then jumps from the 5 yard line and dunks the ball through the goal posts! Two problems here. One, the entire town of Cleveland is about to be unceremoniously dumped by LeBron. Two, the NFL is really rubbing it in that the NBA's best player would give it all up to play for even the most backwards franchise in the NFL. Not since Michael Jordan decided to try his hand at striking out in the White Sox farm system for a few years has there been a black eye this big for the NBA. But I guess Santonio Holmes paid the NBA back by doing the whole LeBron tossing the chalk in the air routine after that big TD catch.

7. Denny's: Various ads showing tough guys eating pancakes with gummi bears, blue sauce, funny faces, and mountains of whipped cream, and then the tagline "Isn't it time for a serious breakfast?" 100% truth in advertising here...for I have been to the IHOP, and it is complete insanity. Plus, Dennys is giving away a free Grand Slam breakfast on Tuesday morning! If I knew where a Denny's was, I'd be in business!

Worst Ads

1. Doritos: At this point, these guys are just mailing it in. How many ways can you work female underwear into an ad for snack chips? Wait, I know! This guy crunches a chip and then some hot girl's clothes fly off! That's genius! Take a lesson from Cheetos boys...the one where the girl throws some cheetos on the ground to initiate a pigeon attack on the annoying bimbo next to her was clever. For my saturated fat grams, Cheetos rule!

2. Sobe: I didn't get the whole "Lizard Lake" thing. I didn't recognize whoever the guys were in the white spandex, and I got the feeling that a big part of the joke was based on that. Plus, they ran it in 3-D (for an audience that had no idea it was supposed to have obtained 3-D glasses somewhere) and added Monsters vs. Aliens characters in a befuddled mess of cross-promotion. As for Sobe, does slick "cool guy" packaging and hip-hop branding make me want to drink overpriced high-calorie fruit punch? Nice try.

3. Hyundai: Lexus and BMW execs are screaming in the boardroom in Japanese and German because Hyundai wins the "2009 North American Car of the Year" award. This country doesn't make anything anymore. Except for crappy Super Bowl ads.

4. GoDaddy.com: When, oh when will these guys be out of business? How does Danica Patrick sleep at night?

5. E-Trade: Talking baby wasn't funny the first time. You're now officially heading down the Geico Caveman route.

6. Bridgestone: The Mrs. Potato head losing her mouth and putting in her "angry eyes" thing felt like a swipe from "Toy Story". But as any man who lives in a house full of girls will tell you, we've all had the "removable mouth" fantasy. And we've also seen plenty of the "angry eyes" ;)

7. NFL Network: The "season never ends" where Darren McFadden keeps running past the draft and training camp and the preaseason on his way to next year's opening day. They forgot to include him running into the training room for two months after he sprains his big toe in week 3.

8. Escape from Witch Mountain: Disney attempting to answer the burning question on everyone's mind...who has less acting ability, The Rock or two 12 year old kids they found in a ColdStone last summer?

Beautiful Talking Heads

So, the Miss America pageant came and went unbeknownst to most of us DVR-types that have abandoned live television for good. Although I'm sure not many people caught it at all...beauty pageants are typically a waste of time, except for the fact that you sometimes get to see pretty girls make whacky faces like this when they find out they're slightly prettier than the all the other pretty girls:


Check out this year's winner...standing next to Mario Lopez (last seen in "Saved By the Bell" 20 years ago...and I think maybe he was on that dancing stars show).


She's going to use her winnings and status as Miss America to become a television news anchor...her choice of the pre-approved princess careers that she is to pursue (in between the press conferences to explain away all those pesky drunken topless cell phone photo shoots at the local bars that show up on Facebook).

What is so great about the whole setup is that one of our society's greatest double standards (beauty pageants) is directly feeding another (television news anchorettes). Consider exhibit A. During the recent financial meltdown, I found myself actually figuring out what channel CNBC is on and watching some of it to try to get a better understanding of exactly why my 401K is going to make me little more than a future "Dollar Menunaire". One thing I couldn't help but notice was the striking physical difference between the male anchors and the female anchors. Here's a sampling of the women:


And here are the men:


Is business and finance beyond the grasp of all but homecoming queens in Ann Taylor blazers? Apparently no such stipulation holds true for the men!

And the news desks for the local TV stations are even more formulaic in what they do. Here's the rough outline for just about any channel:

Beautiful-talking-head: "Good evening, this is Beautiful-talking-head welcoming you to channel 10 news. Our top story tonight...two children have been shot in neighborhood-whites-won't-enter. We take you live to frozen-or-wet-hispanic-field-reporter reporting live on the scene from neighborhood-whites-won't-enter."

Frozen-or-wet-hispanic-field-reporter: "We're told by the police that this is a case where stray bullets from a drive by shooting hit this house behind me and struck two elementary school children while they were watching cartoons. The children were rushed to a local emergency room and are in stable condition tonight. The police indicated that there has been a recent sharp increase in violence here in neighborhood-whites-won't-enter, which I'm assuming is why I was sent here instead of any beautiful-talking-heads. This is frozen-or-wet-hispanic-field-reporter, reporting live for channel 10 news. Back to you."

Beautiful-talking-head: "And now for a look at sports, here's Blonde-with-distractingly-white-teeth."

Oh well, if she never accomplishes anything in life, she'll be at least as successful as Mario Lopez.

Separation of Hollywood and State

In light of the recent news of Oprah Winfrey being seriously considered as a candidate/bidder for Obama's senate seat, and this amusing photo series of the marketing event that the inauguration was turned into (apparently so important that it caused A-list celebrities to emerge from their oxygen bars long enough to be seen in D.C. for a day):

http://music.msn.com/galleryfeature/inauguration-celebration/?photoidx=1

I'm thinking we may need a Constitutional amendment providing for the separation of Hollywood and State before these showbiz political aspirations get out of hand and Ashton Kutcher gets appointed as Secretary of Anything.

Demi Moore waits patiently for Ashton Kutcher
to attempt to string a sentence together...

On the flip side, I'm glad for any occasion that will put Shakira in pair of leather pants. And I am also grateful that it kept the entertainment industry from producing any more crappy music and movies for a few days. I am looking forward to their increased taxes funding my tax cut and various other stimulus programs/bailouts. Patriots all!