Amazing Race All-Stars Finale (or "Everything's better with Midgets")

It should come as no surprise that Eric & Danielle "secretly" broke up in the middle of the race on their way to winning it. My body language experts tell me that this is the exact moment where it happened...the one where Danielle wants to spend their race money on a cappucino and Eric questions the wisdom of that move with $1 million at stake using every ounce of his smarmy "how can you be that stupid?" demeanor that women just can't get enough of. The only thing missing from this scene is a marriage counselor facing them in a recliner sipping on a cappucino:


Eric then spends the rest of the race trying to figure out how to work his way into that "Beauty Queen Sandwich" that was being applied to Mirna, but will likely have to settle for Jeremy...who seemed a little too excited that Eric had won half a million dollars. "We're rich" indeed ;) Will somebody please get those two a Chihuahua?

But Eric & Danielle's issues weren't the reason that Amazing Race All-Stars was so great. And no, it wasn't laughing in the face of yet another failed attempt by the beauty queens to prove that they can accomplish anything as long as they're dressed exactly alike. Or even hating on Rob & Amber, the Detroit Pistons of reality television. The true genius of the show is that they realize what every great entertainer since P.T. Barnum has understood. Midgets doing anything is worth watching. Here's just a sample of the few things you can improve with the presence of a few judiciously placed little people:

Car Shows:


Airplane Pulls:
Costume Parties:

And, of course, Million Dollar Races Around the Globe:

Ah, Amazing Race....my nielsen rating is yours forever ;)

The PCD Handbook of Sexy

After digesting 3 consecutive hours of Pussycat Dolls, I have to confess that I have no Earthly idea what it takes to be a Pussycat Doll. But that's OK because neither does Robin Antin. Of the final nine, we were left with one that can sing but can't dance, three that can dance but can't sing, a professional reality show auditioner who's rapidly running out of time, two "Scary Spice" clones, a Single Mom/Knicks City Dancer, and Sisely. Now that Robin is forced to pick from this ragtag collection of finalists, I'm guessing that she knows what I already know...it doesn't really matter who you pick because there are already six other dolls to hide her behind. Still, it is a competition with 7 hour-long episodes to fill so you do need to make up a criteria of some kind. She's chosen to fill it with a weekly theme outlining a particular trait "important" to becoming a Pussycat Doll. Interested? Me too...

PCD "Must Have" #1 - Confidence!

In order to be a Pussycat Doll, you need confidence. And in PCD world feminine confidence is built through public displays of semi-nude sexiness. These involve a pole, underwear, and suggestive gyrating motions. You'd think that a 20 year old go-go dancer from Virginia Beach (Brittany) would run away with this, but there's a catch. Yes, you are in your underwear behind plate glass doing a pole dance, but if you turn your ass too many degrees at the wrong angle, you just end up looking like a ham-and-egg stripper...and that's NOT what the Pussycat Dolls are all about. Confused? Join the club. Anyway, this puts Brittany squarely behind the 8-ball because all of her stripper training is now working against her, and she is forced to hang up her boa for her tremendous lack of confidence at the first elimination (or maybe it was because she sounds like a squirrel getting sent through a woodchipper when she sings? I can't remember now...).

Brittany adjusts her confidence prior to her final performance

PCD "Must Have" #2 - Persona!

All good Pussycats bring a unique look and personality to the collective...provided that it's appropriately sexy. And Robin knows that nothing manufactures female uniqueness faster than a good $750 makeover and a t-shirt with a sassy phrase on it! After the pretty girls get turned into different looking pretty girls, we get treated to two uniquely horrific renditions of hit songs. But the elimination round showed just how important it is not to look like other girls. Sisely, who skated by her "Pon De Replay" disaster the previous week on the "not my song type" excuse was tossed a Pat Benatar song that everyone thought she'd HAVE to knock out of the park (seeing as how she works hard at channeling Benatar and it might work if she didn't already look more like the love child of Kirsten Dunst and Kim Jong Il). She booted the song, and STILL made it to the next round simply because she doesn't look like all the other girls. For some reason Robin is desperately clinging to the silly notion that the PCD franchise transcends a physical stereotype. Pretty lofty goals for someone breaking the same ground trampled to death by the Spice Girls 10 years ago.

PCD "Must Have" #3 - Creativity!

Now, the only creativity I can see associated with this show is how Sugar Ray keeps finding new ways to introduce Li'l Kim like she's accomplished something and we're supposed to know who the hell she is (this week's was "One of the most successful female musical performers in history..." huh?). As defined by PCD's Carmit and Ashley, creativity means finding new ways to inject sexiness into everything you do. Carmit insists that you should utilize all the abilities culled from your lifetime of experiences towards this endeavor...kind of like how she uses her competitive gymnastics skills to stretch her legs farther over her head than we could ever have dreamed possible from a music video.

Scary Spice clone #2 invents a clever new way to express herself

Ashley (dubbed "the bombshell of the group" by Robin making her a true bimbo's bimbo) proceeds to inform the girls that "Inside every woman is a Pussycat Doll" trying to scratch her way out. Really? That gives me an interesting field experiment to try in church next week! Who knew?

And after all this, I still can't seem to grasp what it is that they're after, but I know it needs to be sexy because I lost track of how many times they used that word in a single show after it went into the hundreds. However, I AM positive that I wouldn't be taking pointers on
how to look sexy from a woman who has botoxed her face into a contorted permanent grin like the Joker. In the meantime...keep popping those booties girls! It would seem our mutual moment of enlightenment is coming soon enough.

Your friend,

The Big Galoot

Ode to an Aging Princess

Know what I love about Amazon.com almost as much as the user reviews? It's the recommendation lists like these:

Let me preface this by saying I laughed throughout the entire list, and am now a dyed-in-the-wool certified fan...if there were a way for me to anonymously buy an item from the list and have it shipped to the "Outta Banksta", I would have done it. I could also fetch my charcoals and draw you a dead-on picture of this middle-aged-Outer-Banks-obsessed princess because Leesburg is literally filled to the Targets with them. You know the type, big "OBX" sticker on the back of the suburban, kinda sorta in shape and keeps trying to dress like a hip teenager for her day of shopping, kickboxing, and shuffling kids around between her 9:30 AM and 3:30 PM no-whip mochas. She'll follow a trend to the ends of the Earth, she will.

What appeals to this special type of lady? Apparently soap, hurricane literature, timekilling electronic distractions, and hideous wall art. All of the items on the list are cookie cutter trendy, with the exception of the Prada women's handbag which is quite fabulous IMHO. Let's review some of the items together:

1) TomTom GO 700 Portable GPS Navigation with Hands-Free Calling

Outta Banksta says:
	"sometimes prince charming doesn't take vacation days to go along for the ride!"

The Big Galoot says:
"might also come in handy when he gets tired of working like a dog to foot the bill and you need to locate him for future alimony payments!"

2) O, The Oprah Magazine [1-year subscription]

Outta Banksta says:
	"two words: FAVORITE THINGS. Like a private princess wish list"

The Big Galoot says:
"ah, the stay-at-home Bible. Even a princess has to take orders from somebody"

3) MARRIKAS 1000TC Cotton Duvet Cover Set KING-White

Outta Banksta says:
	"a princess's bed should be luxurious"

The Big Galoot says:
"I agree, but you're still sleeping on the wet spot your majesty"

4) (A 3-fer) Pre de provence Gift Box with nine 25g Assorted Soaps, Breakfast Soaps, Lavender and Spearmint Shea Butter Soap

Outta Banksta says:
	"a pampered princess is a happy princess"

The Big Galoot says:
"perhaps this is why I can never find a f*cking bar of soap at the Target"

But I kid because I love...if I ever find myself in the Outer Banks again, rest assured I'll keep a sharp lookout for the Jeep with the ridiculous headlight guards on it and smile knowing that there's a bona-fide princess inside ;)

Loosen Up My Buttons...

If you're like me (and thank God you're not), you're hating American Idol this year. I mean come on, the best singer in the bunch looks like Randy Jackson in a wig.

Yikes! Looks like someone just escaped from the "Dog Pound"

Is this really the face I want to see staring at me from my CD covers? Well, OK. There's a zero percent chance I'll ever buy a CD from American Idol, but is this the face I want staring at me from the new releases section in the Best Buy? Hmmm...if only there were some way you could take the voices of a few background singers and stuff them into a pack of low-rent strippers. Ah, but there is! They're called the Pussycat Dolls, and they're searching for fresh Pussycats on the CW with 33 million American households none the wiser.

But there is one American who watched it...Kevin. He's so new to blogging that we don't have an official handle for him yet...so feel free to send me your recommendations. And now, without further ado...

The first episode of "Pussycat Dolls Present: The Search for the Next Doll" runs an entire hour, but manages to completely avoid the central question "why do they need another Doll?" Is 6 not enough? Well, if you look closely, some of them do look a bit tired... No clues given yet, but my guess is that one of them is pregnant (Tommy Lee? David Beckham? Hugh Grant?), and just wants to settle down to a simple life in the country... or not. Look forward to the big reveal and hazing ritual in the last episode, where the final task is to rip out the throat of an existing Doll in a full contact, martial arts cage match (with Jell-O?). Oops, sorry, was channeling Blood Sport there for a second.

So, where to begin. Oh yes, nausea. No, not the stomach virus that swept through the contestant line-up, but the eight endless minutes of the final 18 girls, culled from "about 10,000", waxing poetic about how inspirational the Pussycat Dolls have been in their lives. This would be the same group who's debut album first hit stores in September of 2005. The same group that started life out by erotic dancing at the Viper Den in LA. The same group that had it's first big hit titled "Stickwitu". Yeah, that group. Anyway, the girls have "always dreamed" of being part of such an inspiring group, and some "have lots of talent and are looking forward to sharing it". Okay then.

So, given all that massive talent, you might be surprised to learn that some of the final 18 freely admit that "I'm not a dancer" or are hoping "my dancing will get me through while I learn to sing". Hmmm. Good luck with that. Question: were these the best 18, or is this like American Idol, where some of the no-talent "leaks" through just to fuel the angst? Throughout the episode, we learn that other girls have more practical concerns, like whether they can sing and dance after staying up all night, hold down a meal, or wonder if they look too much like the other girls (my personal favorite). Skin color too similar? No problemo - do we have enough time to hit the tanning bed? You'll be relieved to know that at least one of the "too much alike" problems is resolved by judicious use of a simple hair curler. Just like female MacGyver's, they are.

"Try picking this girl out of a crowded New Jersey rest stop...good luck!" (TBG)

Time for some stats (no, not those stats). Props to the producers for having girls ranging in age from 18 all the way up to 27. Guess who gets cut? I don't want to ruin it for you, but the oldest, and most of the very youngest don't make it. Shocking. But no more shocking than the 30 second segment devoted to one girl's belching contest in the hotel rooms. Yeah, she was cut. In this show, pictures of you on the 'net in compromising poses are simply street cred, but belching the loudest? That's just not Doll-like ;-) Interestingly, this is the same gal who has trouble standing up during dance practice, only to find out later that she has.... a virus!! You should've seen the other girls run away. You could see their skin crawling even on my old low-def TV. Too bad they couldn't run fast enough. About half of them came down with the stomach flu anyway. Much was made of the girls stamina in the face of this crippling illness, and some extra camera time given to the graybeard (so to speak) of the bunch, Sisely, who at age 25 knows how to extol on the virtues of a full night's sleep.

There was some interesting insight given about the music business, with the first lesson delivered in the person of Robin Antin, the "creator" of the Pussycat Dolls. Much like the creation of the Power Puff Girls, I suspect "chemical X" was somehow involved, but the upshot is that Robin's other ingredients were "the best silicone in the valley", a blazingly gay dance choreographer, a voice coach, some sound engineers, the president of Geffen records, and lastly, and certainly least important, a singer. As a side note, never play poker with that voice coach. That guy is amazing. He looks serene, even when listening to a chorus of stepped on cats. Or maybe he's deaf. If so, your secret's safe with me, dude.

I have to admit, given the plastic appeal and artificial creation of the group, I was a bit surprised to find out that each of the Dolls has a name. Sure, they sound like they're straight from Austin Powers, but they are names. Think I'm joking? Try these out... Carmit Bachar, Jessica Sutta, Nicole Scherzinger. Speaking of Nicole, the lead singer, the most riveting scene of the show is when Nicole sits in to judge the first performance, and then blurts out "I love Sisely". Nicole luuuvs Sisely. No, really. When she said it, there was this look of greedy anticipation, like she's sizing up dessert, followed by an awkward silence. She must have realized that everyone was staring, because she then felt compelled to add "Well, you know what I mean." Yes Nicole, yes I do. We all know what you mean. I think we just found the next Doll...

So then there was some dancing, puking, singing, and judging. And just like that, we're down to 9 girls, who will now be moving in together to synchronize their monthly cycles, and also, to learn what it takes to be a Pussycat. I can hardly wait.

Final thought: I now officially hate the song line "Don't you wish your girlfriend was hot like me". They played it during scene cuts about 15 times. Ugh. Cue up the hot dancers, hit the mute button, and roll the credits!

Valentine's Greetings (Introducing the "Hugh-gasm")!

I went to see "Music & Lyrics" over the weekend, and I had something of an epiphany. What was I doing at yet another Hugh Grant movie you ask? Well, the wifey won free movie passes at a neighborhood bunko match for getting the most smileys (huh?), so my cries for "Ghost Rider" fell on deaf ears. I had a hard time making a case for it anyway seeing as how I don't like/understand Ghost Rider or Nicholas Cage. So, after getting suitably beered up at the Sweetwater Tavern, it was an evening of lighthearted romantic comedy.

The scripts for these things reads somewhat like a game of Mad Libs after you've seen enough of them. I'm sure I was annoying everyone in earshot as I called out what would happen next. Goes a little something like this:

A rich, famous, or formerly rich and famous man is handsome charmer with unlimited patience and free time. He is surprisingly unmarried, and does not have a girlfriend or any tendency to sleep around. He meets a girl who is loaded with personality problems disguised as quirkiness (and also unmarried...natch), and either currently dating a cad or has been emotionally devastated by one. In a city (pick one) with 4-11 million people in it, they inexplicably run into each other at every restaurant and park bench until he becomes spellbound to distraction by her oddity and/or confidence at every perfectly scripted 3 minute verbal exchange. As they approach the moment of commitment, he slips ever so briefly into a random solitary moment of cad-ishness himself, setting the stage for the atonement. A moment of spectacular emotional fireworks where he prepares some kind of impossibly coordinated scenario for the sole purpose of begging for forgiveness and professing his eternal love (preferably in front of a crowd of 20,000 in a sports arena of some kind). A moment I've dubbed the "Hugh-gasm". Roll credits.

What is the epiphany, you ask? As I glanced at the couples around me, at the red-eyed women giving themselves cat-baths as their husbands were busily brushing popcorn off of their beer guts (including yours truly ;) ), I realized what I was watching. It's pornography for housewives. Hugh Grant is their Jenna Jameson, with his puppydog expressions (physics-defying eyebrows that somehow bend toward the ceiling at near 90 degree angles) and bumbly-stumbly British accent that perfectly delivers Hershey-Kiss dialogue into the camera and makes it feel like he's actually wooing you. Surely we could all marry the lonely and super-hot Prime Minister of Britain if we just hung around in the right coffee-shops. Just like we could all encounter a super-hot 20 year old female mechanic who loves to perform fellatio on complete strangers at the local Midas.

The payoff at the end was when I was asked on the ride home why in the world Hugh Grant would need to go soliciting prostitutes when he could have any woman he wants and was with Elizabeth Hurley at the time. Ah, but that's the lie Hollywood sells you! Real-life Hugh Grant doesn't want a misunderstood shopaholic to snuggle his days away with. He wants a $20 blow job in a taxi from a Vietnamese girl he'll never lay eyes on again. Smashing!

BTW, I liked the movie very much...it pairs well with a box of Mike & Ike's and an 84 oz. Diet Coke. Go treat your Valentine ;)

Prince Charming, Where Art Thou?

I just saw a story this morning on "Good Morning America" where a New York City dating service has finally called a spade a spade and launched a dating event called "Natural Selection" designed to cut to the chase and exclusively pair up beautiful girls with rich guys. The entry criteria into the event? Guys under 25 need to make at least $200K, 26-30 at least $300K, over 30 at least $500K, or you can have $1M in assets or a $4M trust fund. Girls need to be hot, as judged by event organizers based on 5 photos. Here's a link to the story I dug up online:

http://abcnews.go.com/Business/FunMoney/story?id=2820318&page=1

Hilarious. I also like all of the angry feedback by "impoverished" men and "unattractive" women. But I am indeed inclined to call it "Natural Selection" if these people take each other off the market, however temporarily it may be. In fact, it started to remind me of a couple of old "Average Joe" posts I've done in the past. I've decided to repost them here for your enjoyment ;)

A recommendation for all of you "Average Joes"

If you're not watching "Average Joe 2: Hawaii", you're missing out on one of the greatest societal statements of our time. They take a bunch of nerds, and hold up the promise of a real hot girl in "Bachelorette" fashion. Once everyone gets comfortable, they send in a ship full of obnoxious and shirtless pretty boys. They degrade the nerds further by lining them up against the hunks in gym-class style competitions to win dates with the girl. It's just like high school, only with better editing.

What you will ultimately learn is that girls in their twenties still think they can have it all if they just look hard enough (movie star looks, brains, personality, material success). When they're in their 30's, they figure out that these things rarely go together...then all else is abandoned and it's all about the wallet (refer to the episode of "The Apprentice" where the winning team gets a tour of Trump's posh NY apartment and meets his girlfriend). All this, plus the girl is constantly in swimsuit poses that will make you scramble for the TiVo remote.

Averages Restored

Whew...for a minute there, I thought Melana (the star of "Average Joe") was going to actually stick by her "looks aren't everything" rhetoric and destroy the foundations of everything I'd learned about cheerleaders since high school. Luckily, she did exactly what she was supposed to do, and the balance of society was still intact.

"When Beautiful Melana Chose Vapid but Impeccably Groomed Jason over Good-Hearted but Tragically Average Adam, the Natural Order of the Universe was Once Again Restored"

Sure, Adam was a genuinely nice guy who made her laugh and showered her with gifts and attention that she desperately wants, but cannot get from the pretty boys and Zach-like a-holes she runs with. But you cannot ignore how perfectly matched Jason and Melana are...look how much they have in common! They both have parents that had their baby shoes bronzed, they're both extremely good-looking, they both are practically devoid of bodily hair, and neither one knows that checkers need to be on the same color squares. Plus, Jason is a self-admitted "poor decision maker" and Melana can't manage her money. That sounds like a great team to me, ready for all the challenges life will throw at them.

In the end, Melana had to follow her heart (which was located squarely in her pants) and chose accordingly. What was lost in the shuffle is the fact that there was really nothing interesting about her other than her looks. The only significant thing she's about is apparently (formerly) cheering for the Kansas City Chiefs, and now serves as the team's "Entertainment Announcer". Is that like "Attention! The Chiefs will be playing pinball at the Dave & Buster's on Tuesday from 1:00 - 3:00!" She didn't appear to be particularly funny, intelligent, or a good conversationalist (except when she was busting someone's balls over dinner). But she sure was pretty. And in fantastic shape. I'm sure she smelled nice, too.

Her new beau wants to be a weatherman, which is fitting, since all he has to talk about is the weather. You know it's a bad sign when you have to start talking about how amazing your date is...while the date's still occuring. That's like admitting you've exhausted all topics, but are too physically attracted to be merciful and let it end. In the end all that happened was that two bland pieces of eye-candy took each other off the market for about three months, with no great loss to society.

Yes Sir, Mr. Trump!

If you're not watching the Apprentice's Sixth Season (and according to the Nielsen ratings, you're not), you need to be. Trump's ego is completely raw and unhinged now, and the first five minutes of the premiere were simply golden. "I've got properties all over the place" he declares, as they give you a glimpse of his chauffered town car, private jet, golf course, and rolls royce as he picks his way across the country from New York to L.A. Then you get a nice shot of his new mansion and new Transylvanian fashion hottie wife and new baby (whom she's just borrowed from the nanny for five minutes so she can carry him out to Trump for a stiff kiss to the forehead). I took one look at that and thought "who in their right mind would want to work for this guy after watching this?"

http://www.nbc.com/Video/rewind/full_episodes/apprentice.shtml?show=apprentice01

Who indeed? Cue the cookie-cutter contestants! This year's edition features the requisite batch of meticulously groomed lawyers and loudmouthed kids who happened to luck out timing the dot com and real estate booms. They're all so alike that it was easy for Trump to pick out the final two within minutes of meeting them, which he telegraphed pretty hard...the Harvard Cum Laude Olympic hockey medalist (Trump does enjoy having a conversation piece around), and the white guy in the grey suit (pick one). From those two, he won't hire the hockey champion because she's a girl...and in Trump's world, girls have a singular purpose: looking great and disappearing by the time they're 40. See below:

But as you listen to these candidates talking about themselves in the beginning, you'd think they're pretty much taking over the world. Why on Earth do they need a job from Trump? True, some obviously just want the novelty of being on the show as a marketing tool. Prime example is Kristine, an attractive and polished 37 year old lawyer who's represented the likes of Shaquille O'Neal and is married to a "top 50" chef (whatever that means) who has 2 successful restaurants in L.A. In one carefully placed scene of episode 2, she comes wandering out of her bedroom wearing pink lingerie to take a call from Trump's secretary at 4 A.M. A little moment I've affectionately dubbed "the booty call":

Now when Kobe Bryant needs a lawyer, who do you think he's going to call? Clever girl. But I'm getting ahead of myself. Our first taste of the group dynamic is watching them trying to work together to put up a tent in business suits, and you figure out quickly why a good deal of the rest are here. It's because most are irritating, egotistical bootlickers with no real marketable skills other than what you can pick up online in 6 weeks from the University of Phoenix. The handful of 30-something lawyers are all laying back and letting the 20-something real estate entrepreneurs spontaneously combust before mid-game. Exhibit A is Frank, the initial task manager of the "Arrow" corporation. He's loud and obnoxious and completely unlikable, and in the first episode he's tasked with running a car wash. Now running a car wash is an enterprise that most high school cheerleading squads and boy scout troops can execute flawlessly, but these guys have to run all over the place devising "Marketing Strategies" and "Price Points" with cell phones a-blazin'. Um, can we just sit the two best looking people on a curb with a big sign and grab a bucket and a sponge and start making money? As task leader, Frank's first self-appointed assignment is for him to immediately run off with one other guy to the Kinko's 12 blocks away so he can print out signs on a stack of 8x11 copy paper...leaving the rest of the team without direction standing around looking at each other until one of them decides that they need to move on without him. He shows up like 30 minutes later with his flyers, that his team members wave at the passing cars but they cannot read because they're so small. Eventually, the team manages to compensate for Frank's bungling, but by then it's too late.

Heidi, the "Kinetic" corportation team leader and poor man's Sandra Bullock, seems to get things under control for her team by simply not overcomplicating the task. She's done that twice now, and it's been the key to both of Kinetic's underwhelming wins. She's dubbed "The Hottie" by the show's promos, but in this crew that's a little redundant. That fits my favorite metaphor of Hawkman being dubbed "The Flyer" in the Justice League. She'd better have another angle besides looks. Still, she seems to be able to lead without a lot of obvious theatrics, and that's enough to keep the other crew out in the tents where the task losers have to take up residence.

In the second show, the task gets even more ridiculous. The teams must design swimwear for a well-known swimsuit designer (who I've never heard of...and I'm sure none of you have either) to show to a bunch of prospective buyers. Whichever team's suits sell better wins the task. Each team designs 3 men's suits and 3 women's suits. Now, men's swimwear has to be the easiest thing to figure out since it's basically a pair of shorts. You have two decisions to make, color and length. And guys buy a swimsuit like once every 8 years from whatever store they happen to be in. It is not an event. And personally, I don't care how I look in it...the only thing that matters is that it has pockets for my ice cream money and I'm heading to the register. I'm willing to bet I probably represent roughly 95% of American men in this matter. So Arrow has a buff gay dude who just can't help himself. He basically commandeers the design process for one of the guys' suits and produces a pink and white flowery tropical pair of lycra hotpants (to the measured protests of his team) and demands that he model them himself on the runway as follows:

He calls it "taking a risk", and it is fun to watch Donald and Ivanka in the boardroom teaching him the difference between taking a risk and developing a product suitable for 0.1% of the market to model in front of buyers.

I'm applying next year...if nothing else, America needs me in a swimsuit! LOL!

Amazing Race 10 - Climbing The Ladder of Hotness

In honor of the dramatic rise to first place of the "Miss Whatevers", I have decided to answer the call for a more detailed explanation of what I've termed the "ladder of hotness"...the yardstick that pretty girls use to measure each other by and sort out their ranks like any good societal group does. It goes a little something like this (from lowest to highest rank):

Cheerleaders - This usually holds some kind of credibility that dissipates shortly after college graduation and completely vanishes by 30, when nobody cares anymore and it just sounds like desparate clutching at former beauty.

Strippers - Like the cheerleaders only without the interested parents.

NFL Cheerleaders - This title follows you around a little longer and may even land you on a lower-tier reality show, simply because the NFL brand has become synonymous with eliteness. The league has somehow transformed the cheerleading concept into the closest thing you can have to an outdoor strip club. I watched the "NFL Cheerleader Playoffs" on the NFL Network at the recommendation of one T. Gallagher. The best thing about it is how these girls have swallowed the simple tagline the NFL uses in order to get them to stand around all Sunday in their underwear for $50 a game. It's called "representing the organization", and you'll hear that line about a dozen times from each girl as they rollerskate an obstacle course in hotpants and a tube top. I'm sure the Chargers couldn't be prouder.

Beauty Pageant Contestants - More street cred than an NFL cheerleader, since there's only one per state. Stand one of these next to 49 others though, and they lose some of that shazam factor.

Model - This is where you're actually getting paid to be hot, which takes you to the next level.

Playboy Model - This usually carries more notoriety than a nameless fashion model. You become forever introduced as "former Playmate so-and-so" on Entertainment Tonight, but it also puts you on track to cap out as a B-list actress or a celebrity girlfriend.

Country Singer - You're hot, and have a visible talent. You make records, but nobody listens to them. Still...you're hot.

Supermodel - The general idea being that a supermodel has so much more to offer than a regular model. Although this seems to be farther and farther fetched every time the words "Supermodel Tyra Banks" comes out of somebody's mouth.

Pop Singer - Same as the country singer, only with a fan base. Also has a tendency to be more of a trainwreck in terms of personal life as your suitors tend to come from the Kevin Federline/Nick Lachey/Wilmer Valderrama bin.

Star of TV Show - Note: This is a sliding scale based on the popularity of the show. It also helps if you have ugly (or all male) co-stars, so you're not lost in a sea of beauty.

Movie Star - When an army of people dedicate their lives to photographing you on your way to pilates class, you know it's all about you.

Model/Movie Star/Pop Singer - The rare triple threat...looks, voice, and the ability to read lines without looking directly at the camera. But now, like Alexander, you must weep...for there are no more lands for you to conquer. Might as well just go get drunk 6 nights a week.

The Amazing Race 10 (10/15)

Poor David. I can't help but feel for the guy. He spends his days in a hole in the ground, only to emerge to Mary's endless screeching at the end of the day. I think I can see why he says he "loves his job" in his website bio. And why does he run the race? So he can give his family a better life. Super-size the fries, take the kids to Disney World on an airplane, get Mary's teeth brushed, you know...the works!

I hope they can stave off elimination even from their disadvantaged position, but I have a feeling that's going to be near impossible. Mary is an awful big anchor to be dragging around Asia...but these two are turning out to have pretty big hearts at the end of it all. They're looking like pretty decent people next to Peter, who might just get himself dumped before the race even ends by the looks of the dramatic slow-motioned silent head turn by Sarah at the Indian bus stop (the standard Amanzing Race body-language of complete disgust with your partner for 10 seasons running now).

What's on tap next? The Prom Queens vs. the Queen Latifahs...the yin/yang conflict everyone knew was coming! I'll lay my money now on the Alabama Slammers. To lose. I mean come on, Dustin & Kandice have been forged into fierce competitors by all those pageants, right? They aren't going to tape those breasts together unless they mean business!

With Edwin & Godwin left as the last team of "intellectuals" (brilliant move with that fake cell phone that got two other teams inspired to call ahead and land an earlier flight than them), this is looking like anyone can win it. The male model/junkies aren't looking dominant...and in fact, got a little more glassy-eyed than I would have liked reminiscing about their heroin shooting days. I'm thinking that Rob & Kimberly were amazingly low key in the last episode...a stark contrast from that hellacious boat-screaming they put on each other in Vietnam. They can't possibly keep themselves composed long enough to contend for the win...can they? Only the Tivo will tell...

Amazing Race 10 Episodes 1 & 2

Who to love most? Who to love most?

The Ivy league guys who look like Evan Wang on steroids? I did enjoy the moment where they couldn't remember that they're not Chinese...do they all start looking the same to themselves at some point too?

The gay boyfriends who are seen in the opening credits eating waffle cones from the Coldstone after a long day of window shopping? Is there anything better than their checkpoint dances?

The male models...this year's version being ex-junkies who were able to turn their lives around? Which I assume means stop smoking crack long enough to sit still and look fabulous while someone takes pictures? Oh well, at least they've got somebody to fill the requisite shirtless basketball game in the opening credits.

The "Miss-Whatevers" beauty contestants, who you can't tell apart without the sashes? They should definitely have worn them, because it would save them all the work they have to do reminding everyone that they were former Miss-USA contestants. The funniest thing about these two? They're telling us they're on the show to bust all the myths about beauty queens being just a pretty face. Is that like the team of Miss-USA contestants I just saw on "Treasure Hunters" that kept spewing that same mantra on every episode? Will someone please explain to me why being in a beauty pageant leads to such colossal esteem issues that you feel the need to constantly prove that you're more than a great pair of asscheeks? Never mind...now that I'm writing that down I don't think I really want to understand it after all...

The ballistic dating couple (Rob & Kimberly) who love their relationship 99.9% of the time? Is there anyone happier than me that we'll get to see that other 0.1% of their relationship in full display for the next few weeks? I had to rewind the tivo 3 times to watch Kimberly get clotheslined off of her horse in Mongolia (I verified that there was only one tree in the entire forest that was leaning over and she managed to guide her horse directly under it at ramming speed) and see Rob rushing to her rescue....Rob? Rob? Yeah, dude...that's her. The red jacket laying on the forest floor not moving. And if you want to understand why it looks like he's always a step behind in the race, take a look at his career: California real estate student! Way to stay in front of a trend, buddy...

The "Everyday Islams" who are just like you and me, except for the threatening looks and the constant "Allah this" and "Allah that"? Their shining moment came when they couldn't shake the cheerleaders' hands because Islam forbids touching a woman (unless you're kidnapping her, I suppose). But the best had to be they were notified of their unexpected elimination when the guy on the right gives Phil a look like he was already plotting his beheading video in his mind, but then snaps out of it and is all, "oh man, them's the breaks!"

The cheerleaders who are desperate to find a relevant use for cheerleading powers to win the Amazing Race? Super-cheerleader balance to help you do tai-chi? Leg lift practice to help you scale the Great Wall of China? But now that they're eliminated, they'll finally find a use for all of their "skills"...cheering all the other teams on to victory from the sidelines!

No, my favorite is Peter and Sarah, hands down. I love the fact that he's making her all kinds of robot legs and she's still all like, "I don't know if he's the guy for me". I also love the fact that she's a motiviational speaker, but at every challenge when things get rough, she has to go through a 30 minute routine of tears and "I can't do it" before she finally steps up. But mostly, as I watch her trying to run with that captain hook foot, I started wondering aloud (to the horror of everyone on the couch), "if he's making her legs, why didn't he go a little more Inspector Gadget with it?" You know, like hook up a Segue for rolling around Beijing, or a suction-cup leg for climbing the Great Wall of China.

But I kid because I love...she's accomplished more with one leg than I'll likely accomplish with two.

"Damn You Frat Boys!"

The rallying cry of the hippy!

I lost interest in Ray & Yolanda when I saw that she was simply going to turn the race into an internal battle for relationship respect. She'd been doing it for awhile, but I had figured she'd be past it by the final legs when the million dollars was at hand. Ah well, I did manage to pay them a final chuckle when he was pointing out that she didn't want sit in the back and read the map while he drives, and then when he lets her drive, she's not happy because she wants to read the map. As he figures out that she's simply going to find fault with whatever system they devise, he sums it up nicely with his "Driving Miss Crazy" remark...although a simple "Yes'm" would've done just fine.

With those two off the radar, I could only marvel at the amazing transformation taking place on the screen in front of me. The hippies and the poon hounds switched bodies somewhere in Japan. B.J. & Tyler begin playing deceitful mindgames on the hounds...then laughingly take the time to flirt with Japanese girls while the hounds watched on in disgust. The bravado and commentary began streaming out of their furry mouths at every turn while the dejected hounds clammed up under the enormously visible pressure they suddenly felt themselves under when they realized they weren't going to shake the hippies.

The ultimate payoff was when the poonies saw that the final challenge was coming down to a mental exercise, and that they were grossly overmatched by the college-educated hippies. The looks on their faces as they stepped on the mat in second place said it all...the realization that no matter how good-looking they are, there will always be someone far less attractive yet far more savvy than them around waiting to take money out of their pockets (and probably land girls like the Stinky Pinkies...once they figure out where the cash went, of course). Bad news fellas...you're guys. Looks are relatively meaningless. Just ask Jay-Z.

My apologies that this post is a little stale. I meant to get this out far sooner, but only watched it before taking off to Puerto Rico last week (training for a future Amazing Race?). In preparation for my inaugural visit to Latin America, I grew a killer mustache and learned how to ask three phrases in Spanish...well OK, two of these I picked up over a three year immersion period at the Fair Lakes Don Pablo's:

1) ¿Can I have more cheese in these quesadillas?
2) ¡That toilet won't flush anymore!
3) ¿How much for the lapdance?

Unfortunately I only got to use two of them. That, plus the fact that the most strenuous exercise I had last week was sliding from my pool chair into the water like a manatee has enabled me to add the final 5 pounds that has landed me in a three way "biggest loser" style competition between myself, Michelle, and our family cat. I'm the one in the red tank top and shorts with the hershey kiss wrappers stuck in the drawstrings.

The Amazing Race 9 - The Penultimate Post

After mourning the loss of Lake & Michelle for several weeks, I was delighted that Team MoJo stepped in and delivered as the token dysfunctional couple. Although sad to see them go, I must admit the payoff of their postrace interview was as delightful as an after-dinner mint.

"Stepping onto the mat in last place, dating couple Joseph & Monica received the bad news from Phil that they had been eliminated from the Race. Through her tears, Monica remarked on her partner, "What I really took away from all this is how much he supported me. Joseph really is my rock and I could not have gotten through this without him." Joseph added, "Monica being there right by my side helps me go on. We’re definitely going to get married one day and have a family." Monica ended by noting, "We have each other when we get home and we have this Race to look back on for the rest of our lives. It’s such a beautiful gift." "

Were these guys watching the same race I was? You know the one where Monica has a never ending supply of saltwater gushing out of her head, and Joseph is screaming at her as soon as the first tear rolls down her cheek? He was so busy being her "rock" at the yield that they completely missed the fact that the timer was out of sand…I'd love to have them over for an evening of Boggle sometime. The only thing that brought them together the end was the fact that BJ & Tyler took over as the target of Joseph's rage. Monica does have a point though, were it not for Joseph kicking her ass across the globe, she wouldn't have survived the first leg. I think the scene where she's standing in the middle of the Thai market tearfully holding a wood plank with only 2 pots left on it sums her up in a single image. Or maybe it was that one where she was standing in the Italian market tearfully holding a giant fish? Ah…forget it. I'll just burn a copy of those pink hot-shorts into my memory and be done with it.

It appears that the Poon Hounds are going to walk away with the million in anti-climactic fashion. Too bad, because the last thing those guys need is one million dollars to fund another 5 years of beach volleyball and skirt chasing. I loved watching them making plays at the other teams' girlfriends, simply because there was nobody left for them to work on. Trolling for booty is so programmed into the core of their beings, they simply don't know how to turn it off. It's like being stuck in a horrible Vince Vaughn movie full-time with no way out.

Ray & Yolanda, I'm rooting for you…I hope it matters, but I'm afraid it doesn't.

The Amazing Race Episodes 3-6

I finally took a short break to grind out the last three episodes of the Amazing Race on Tivo. Let's run through the highlights:

Most Ironic Moment - The Stinky Pinkies getting eliminated on a challenge that consists of putting together a puzzle of a naked man. This can’t be from lack of exposure…can it?

Most Horrific Visual – The rug-like shoulder hair on Barry. Stick with the sleeves, my man.

Worst Use of “MoJo” – How can a girl who looks like “Mo” not have at least 6 Italian guys climbing all over themselves looking to carry her fish around the marketplace (so to speak)? You’re a fantastic physical specimen in a country jam-packed with lotharios…work it girl!

Most Head-Scratching Exit Interview – The Stinky Pinkies claiming that at only age 22, the race has given them more experiences than most DD-cup bimbos their age. I guess most girls have to wait until their 30’s to take their bar hookup scene to Russia?

Luckiest Bastards - The Poon Hounds should be able to focus just enough to walk away with the million now that the Stinky Pinkies are gone. No more DDistractions.

Stupidest “Cool Guy” Phrase – When Poon Hound Jeremy calls Phil “Big Philly Style” at the checkpoint mat, it makes me want to reach into the TV and punch him in the mouth.

Best Relationship Dichotomy – Self-deprecating nerd Dave wiping a tear away from his eye confesses to Phil that he’s upset that he got caught up in the race and lost patience with Lori because he loves her more than anything. Compare that with “Jo” delivering the “WHAT DO YOU WANT” scream at “Mo” like a 10-year married vet. Looks like the “MoJo” t-shirts are back in the knapsacks for now. Poor Monica…all those fantastic looks and she’ll probably never have a guy treat her the way Dave treats Lori. Nerds rule!

Most Annoying Team – BJ & Tyler. They’ve got the names of Baywatch lifeguards, the look of “Jay & Silent Bob”, and the body language of rodeo clowns. But with careers like “Online Tutor” and “Filmmaker”, I have to believe these two are producing fetish porn in a rat-infested basement somewhere. Don’t ask me...it just fits.

Worst Fashion Statement – What in the world was up with that “Conan the Barbarian” leather chest thong Lake was wearing at the kayak polo event? And why did Michelle have a matching one? Did they just wrap a shoot in BJ & Tyler's basement?

Best Line In a Chick Flick – OK. This has nothing to do with the Amazing Race, but I have to throw it in. I saw “Failure to Laugh….er, Launch” last week. The movie was a complete waste, until Sarah Jessica Parker lays out a line that made me spit my Tab all over the two rows in front of me. She tells her slacker love interest, “You can either spend the rest of your life having fun. Or you can spend it with me.” Works on so many levels :)

The Amazing Race 9 - Episode 2 (3/7)

Oh, the humanity! Glamazons, I hardly knew ye. Now I guess I'll never get to find out the answer to my burning question…"If the Glamazons were the last females left in the race, would the Poon Hounds resort to chasing them around?" My guess would be yes, but it might take a blood alcohol level north of .2. In the meantime, it sure is fun watching them mouth off like a couple of Spring Break rejects. I'll have to recalibrate my prediction on them winning the race since their cockiness and obvious Achilles' heel is sure to overtake their physical advantage in the grandest "Tortoise and the Hare" sense. They'd better figure out how to regain a little focus…if they lose that million, they've only got a "Survivor" audition standing between them and a life of shuttling spinach queso dip at the Don Pablo's.

I'm keeping a close eye on Lake, who looks like he's primed to explode once the straggling teams are gone…their bio on the CBS site lays out the recipe for disaster in three paragraphs:

Lake & Michelle are a close-knit married couple from Hattiesburg, Mississippi. They met as freshmen in college and have been married for 13 years.

Lake is a dentist who has limited traveling experience outside of the United States. While he describes himself as energetic and motivated, Michelle notes that he's your typical Type A personality, very impatient and always looking for ways to do it better.

Michelle is a stay-at-home mother of three who works part-time in Lake's office. She claims that she's much more laid back than her husband and hopes this won't cause friction between the two while taking part on THE AMAZING RACE. Michelle sees herself as being loyal, kind and loving and is running the Race to prove to herself and Lake that she's capable of accomplishing things.

At 36 she's just now trying to prove that she's capable of accomplishing things? Where's she been…in the arcade?

On a closing note, I also like the mother/daughter team where the daughter has a little Jessica Alba thing going on. The girl's smart to travel with her Mom…nothing will keep the 'ol Poon Hounds at bay like the visible threat of a potential mother-in-law (unless they think they can score with her too, of course…not sure I'd put that line of thinking past those two).

The Amazing Race 9 - Episode 1 (2/28)

Greetings Amazing Race fans! Been awhile, so thought I'd take timeout from my busy day of sleeping through mass meetings and offer up some unsolicited observations on the new season.

So, I was reeled in by the "Glamazons"…partly because their name brought back wistful memories of the G.L.O.W. girls of the 80's (that’s "Gorgeous Ladies of Wrestling" for you highbrow types), and partly because they're still pulling out the ol' bedazzler in their mid-40's and thinking that it's "glamorous". I'm sure they're wowing 'em at the Safeway.

I'm delighted that the "lifelong friends" took an early bow. I definitely like my gays with a sinister streak (ie: Chip & Reichen or Joe & Bill). Also amusing were this year's rendition of the prom queens (whom I've affectionately dubbed the "stinky pinkies") and I look forward to watching them get chased around by the jobless 2% body fat frat boy poon hounds (and future race champions).

And where to begin with "Mo Jo". I knew there was a 0% chance they were married when I saw him actually wearing that t-shirt she made for him…you know, the one where she taped "Team Mo Jo" on the front with "Jo" on the back with blue masking tape. If that was all that was in my backpack, it's a lock you'd see me running around Buenos Aires shirtless for the next hour. But the most priceless moment was when Jo looked at Mo and said "Are you seriously going to start crying now?" Bad news for Jo, but good news for Moi…the magic is back!

Oh, and one final blast from the AR past. This morning on CBS they had Boston Rob and Amber do a needless segment where they babysit for a couple that hasn't been on a date in like 8 years. They load up the kids with pizza and soda and get them all wound up so they're literally bouncing off the walls by bedtime…at which point, Rob smirks at the camera and says "That's the beauty of it, pretty soon the parents will be home and we won't have to deal with it." I think I speak for all parents when I say, "Thanks...jackass". Ah well, he left it with "Amber and I want kids eventually, but right now we're just enjoying being newlyweds." Tick-tock ;)