Valentine's Greetings (Introducing the "Hugh-gasm")!

I went to see "Music & Lyrics" over the weekend, and I had something of an epiphany. What was I doing at yet another Hugh Grant movie you ask? Well, the wifey won free movie passes at a neighborhood bunko match for getting the most smileys (huh?), so my cries for "Ghost Rider" fell on deaf ears. I had a hard time making a case for it anyway seeing as how I don't like/understand Ghost Rider or Nicholas Cage. So, after getting suitably beered up at the Sweetwater Tavern, it was an evening of lighthearted romantic comedy.

The scripts for these things reads somewhat like a game of Mad Libs after you've seen enough of them. I'm sure I was annoying everyone in earshot as I called out what would happen next. Goes a little something like this:

A rich, famous, or formerly rich and famous man is handsome charmer with unlimited patience and free time. He is surprisingly unmarried, and does not have a girlfriend or any tendency to sleep around. He meets a girl who is loaded with personality problems disguised as quirkiness (and also unmarried...natch), and either currently dating a cad or has been emotionally devastated by one. In a city (pick one) with 4-11 million people in it, they inexplicably run into each other at every restaurant and park bench until he becomes spellbound to distraction by her oddity and/or confidence at every perfectly scripted 3 minute verbal exchange. As they approach the moment of commitment, he slips ever so briefly into a random solitary moment of cad-ishness himself, setting the stage for the atonement. A moment of spectacular emotional fireworks where he prepares some kind of impossibly coordinated scenario for the sole purpose of begging for forgiveness and professing his eternal love (preferably in front of a crowd of 20,000 in a sports arena of some kind). A moment I've dubbed the "Hugh-gasm". Roll credits.

What is the epiphany, you ask? As I glanced at the couples around me, at the red-eyed women giving themselves cat-baths as their husbands were busily brushing popcorn off of their beer guts (including yours truly ;) ), I realized what I was watching. It's pornography for housewives. Hugh Grant is their Jenna Jameson, with his puppydog expressions (physics-defying eyebrows that somehow bend toward the ceiling at near 90 degree angles) and bumbly-stumbly British accent that perfectly delivers Hershey-Kiss dialogue into the camera and makes it feel like he's actually wooing you. Surely we could all marry the lonely and super-hot Prime Minister of Britain if we just hung around in the right coffee-shops. Just like we could all encounter a super-hot 20 year old female mechanic who loves to perform fellatio on complete strangers at the local Midas.

The payoff at the end was when I was asked on the ride home why in the world Hugh Grant would need to go soliciting prostitutes when he could have any woman he wants and was with Elizabeth Hurley at the time. Ah, but that's the lie Hollywood sells you! Real-life Hugh Grant doesn't want a misunderstood shopaholic to snuggle his days away with. He wants a $20 blow job in a taxi from a Vietnamese girl he'll never lay eyes on again. Smashing!

BTW, I liked the movie very much...it pairs well with a box of Mike & Ike's and an 84 oz. Diet Coke. Go treat your Valentine ;)

Prince Charming, Where Art Thou?

I just saw a story this morning on "Good Morning America" where a New York City dating service has finally called a spade a spade and launched a dating event called "Natural Selection" designed to cut to the chase and exclusively pair up beautiful girls with rich guys. The entry criteria into the event? Guys under 25 need to make at least $200K, 26-30 at least $300K, over 30 at least $500K, or you can have $1M in assets or a $4M trust fund. Girls need to be hot, as judged by event organizers based on 5 photos. Here's a link to the story I dug up online:

http://abcnews.go.com/Business/FunMoney/story?id=2820318&page=1

Hilarious. I also like all of the angry feedback by "impoverished" men and "unattractive" women. But I am indeed inclined to call it "Natural Selection" if these people take each other off the market, however temporarily it may be. In fact, it started to remind me of a couple of old "Average Joe" posts I've done in the past. I've decided to repost them here for your enjoyment ;)

A recommendation for all of you "Average Joes"

If you're not watching "Average Joe 2: Hawaii", you're missing out on one of the greatest societal statements of our time. They take a bunch of nerds, and hold up the promise of a real hot girl in "Bachelorette" fashion. Once everyone gets comfortable, they send in a ship full of obnoxious and shirtless pretty boys. They degrade the nerds further by lining them up against the hunks in gym-class style competitions to win dates with the girl. It's just like high school, only with better editing.

What you will ultimately learn is that girls in their twenties still think they can have it all if they just look hard enough (movie star looks, brains, personality, material success). When they're in their 30's, they figure out that these things rarely go together...then all else is abandoned and it's all about the wallet (refer to the episode of "The Apprentice" where the winning team gets a tour of Trump's posh NY apartment and meets his girlfriend). All this, plus the girl is constantly in swimsuit poses that will make you scramble for the TiVo remote.

Averages Restored

Whew...for a minute there, I thought Melana (the star of "Average Joe") was going to actually stick by her "looks aren't everything" rhetoric and destroy the foundations of everything I'd learned about cheerleaders since high school. Luckily, she did exactly what she was supposed to do, and the balance of society was still intact.

"When Beautiful Melana Chose Vapid but Impeccably Groomed Jason over Good-Hearted but Tragically Average Adam, the Natural Order of the Universe was Once Again Restored"

Sure, Adam was a genuinely nice guy who made her laugh and showered her with gifts and attention that she desperately wants, but cannot get from the pretty boys and Zach-like a-holes she runs with. But you cannot ignore how perfectly matched Jason and Melana are...look how much they have in common! They both have parents that had their baby shoes bronzed, they're both extremely good-looking, they both are practically devoid of bodily hair, and neither one knows that checkers need to be on the same color squares. Plus, Jason is a self-admitted "poor decision maker" and Melana can't manage her money. That sounds like a great team to me, ready for all the challenges life will throw at them.

In the end, Melana had to follow her heart (which was located squarely in her pants) and chose accordingly. What was lost in the shuffle is the fact that there was really nothing interesting about her other than her looks. The only significant thing she's about is apparently (formerly) cheering for the Kansas City Chiefs, and now serves as the team's "Entertainment Announcer". Is that like "Attention! The Chiefs will be playing pinball at the Dave & Buster's on Tuesday from 1:00 - 3:00!" She didn't appear to be particularly funny, intelligent, or a good conversationalist (except when she was busting someone's balls over dinner). But she sure was pretty. And in fantastic shape. I'm sure she smelled nice, too.

Her new beau wants to be a weatherman, which is fitting, since all he has to talk about is the weather. You know it's a bad sign when you have to start talking about how amazing your date is...while the date's still occuring. That's like admitting you've exhausted all topics, but are too physically attracted to be merciful and let it end. In the end all that happened was that two bland pieces of eye-candy took each other off the market for about three months, with no great loss to society.